Black Gestapo. Not as good as “Blackula”, but definitely better than “Blackula 2 : Black to the Grave”. They should have stopped here though, as most of the sequels never lived up to the original. “18th Street Gestapo Eses” had a predictable story line and especially poor acting. I found myself laughing a few times during “Blue Collar Gestapo”, mostly at Ron White’s hilarious tribute to Hogan’s Heroes with his brilliantly low key Colonel Klink. The first couple of “you know you’re a Gestapo” jokes caused a chuckle, but the joke got real old, real fast. Overall I’d say to wait to see it on Telemundo for free. The 4th, and maybe best in the Gestapo series, is “Jerry Seinfeld’s Hebrew Gestapos of Comedy”. Between Jerry, Gary Shandling, Richard Lewis, and the host of the show, Ben Stein, you have quite the hilarious Gestapo movie. Seinfeld was in vintage form with his “What’s the deal with thigh high boots?” bit. I guess I’d have to recommend the black and Jewish Gestapo movies.

I have some questions for any really stupid people who are reading this right now (or more likely having it read to them).

How do you manage to get through the day? Do you have some secret bag of tricks that you use to complete basic tasks (things!)? Is there a song that you sing when you tie your shoelaces each morning? What goes through your mind when you realize (find out!) that you don’t understand the words coming out of people’s mouths and the sentences those words create? Do you require (need!) less sleep without all those brain cells needing rest? Are your parents stupid like you suggesting a genetic (your parents!) link? If not, are you mad at them, or do you suspect that you’re adopted (not theirs!)?

Oh, and most importantly…why did you have me meet with your leader today? Did I do something to offend (make you mad!) your kind? If so, I apologize (I’m sorry!).

I’m just curious. You stupid people seem to be all over the place as I can’t seem to go anywhere without bumping into some of you. I just want a little glimpse (look inside!) into your world. So if you could just grab the person who turned on the computer (shiny thing in front of you!) that you’re reading this on and have them type your response (answer!), I would be greatly appreciative (happy!).

Thanks in advance, stupid people

- Jesse

There’s a new Wal-Mart commercial, which features a whole family that works at Wal-Mart. They all absolutely love their jobs and the parents are so proud of their boy, because his future at Wal-Mart is bright like a really bright bright light bulb. The commercial ends with her proclaiming:

“We truly are the American dream”

I’m not certain that it’s even the West Virginian dream. But for arguments sake I’ve comprised a list of all the people and places that would consider having their whole family work at Wal-Mart to be the American Dream.

Here is the complete list:

Homeless people who live, eat, and bathe in the sewer

Vegans who are forced at gunpoint to eat Angus Burgers and Ostrich Nuggets in a pitbull-fighting cellar littered with bloody carcasses, with a solitary baby lamb wandering around with a small limp, sadly looking for her mother

People with webbed feet

Louie Anderson

Bubbles the Monkey

Families that have 3 or more retarded members

Ok…West Virginia too

Bear witness to the almighty 2-headed snake.

One of the most famous 2-headed corn snakes ever is named Thelma and Louise. The little 2-headed lesbian snake whore went out and had 15 babies. The supreme serpent court is still deciding whether to let them raise the babies.

The snake to the left is a Spanish snake. Her name is Goya and Maria. Her favorite dish is Baby Mouse Chimichangas.

When 2-headed snakes smell prey on the other’s head, it will try to attack and swallow the other head. And when attacking prey, it can get very confused as to which head will attack first. This is also a common problem in Canadian Porn.

After years and years of painstaking research, utilizing various research tools such as placebos and double-blind phone surveys, I have come to 5 conclusions:

1 - Of all the rubber animals, rubber ducks are the most baby-friendly, and rubber chickens not only scare all babies, but also most adults.

2 - Rubber ducks are amongst the most effective items used to smuggle heroin into the states, along with rubber frogs, and rubber housecats.

3 - Hanging oneself using a rubber chicken is the 7th funniest way to commit suicide, right after putting freshly birthed Chia-Pets into your ears and letting them grow into your brain, which has held steady at #6 for 3 years straight.

4 - Saying “Aflac” in a funny voice like in the commercials is way funnier when holding a rubber chicken than with a rubber duck.

5 - Walking by a storefront in Chinatown that has skinned chickens hanging in the window, and saying “Aflac” in the same funny voice as #4, is truly one of the funniest things ever.

If anyone was wondering how many times today I heard the phrase “Don’t touch me, I have shingles”, I’ll give you a hint, it lies right smack between 0 and 2. That’s right, one time. Today I heard exactly one person proclaim their shingles.

It was almost as scary as the time I was drinking melonballs with a Pirate at some fufu bar, when he whispered that he had scurvy before trying to stick his tongue in my ear.

I swatted him away and ended up getting bit on the nose by his parrot. I couldn’t hear too well in the bar but I think I heard the parrot call me a cracker. That hurt more than the bite. At least the parrot was kind enough to lick away my salty tears. That actually tickled a little, truth be told. It felt a little like cat-licks, but not exactly.