Today I had the blessed fortune to be in the presence of a drunk painter who, in a remarkably unsuccessful attempt at a public display of intelligence, looked through a window into the rain and proudly exclaimed to everyone

“It’s really pretificating out there”

Indeed

Pretificate on this, punks

Thing 1

Today I saw a woman with the most gigantic ass I’ve ever seen on a mammal. It was as if she stuffed her jeans with 2 fully grown pheasants. She has to be the only person that’s taller when she’s sitting than when she’s standing up.

Thing 2

Yesterday at a dinner party there was a girl who had the most horrifying laugh I’ve ever heard. It was like a laughing hyena had a baby with a crack whore. After she would laugh, she would choke. It was like god was trying to teach her a lesson. The laugh was so incredibly painful. I’d seriously rather get a root canal, rabies shots, and have someone with Parkinsons and sandpaper gloves give me a rectal exam than have to listen to that laugh. I tried to kill myself 3 times during dinner. The first time I tried to overdose on pain meds, but she laughed and I vomited them back up. The second time I tried slitting my wrists, but her laugh created a thick scaly rash all over my skin that served as a patch over my would be death wound. The final time I tried jumping from the roof, but my temporary insanity blinded me to the fact that I was jumping from a 1-story house, so I just sprained my ankle and cried myself to sleep in my neighbor’s back yard.

This is the most retarded thing I’ve seen since I went to the Foxy Lady and got a Lap Dance : Table Version.

I’ve changed the pandas to celebrities in this article with hysterical results.

SAN DIEGO (AP) ― Giving each other space may not work in every relationship, but it’s what keeps the magic alive for the very fertile giant celebrity pair at the San Diego Zoo.

Since 2003, Oprah Winfrey and her consort, Jean Claude Van Damme, have produced three cubs, making them one of the most reproductively successful celebrity couples ever in captivity. Their youngest offspring, a chubby female, will be named Monday when she reaches 100 days old, following Chinese tradition. For all but two days of the year, Oprah and Jean Claude lead separate lives, gnawing on bamboo and taking long naps in pens far apart, much as wild celebrities - naturally solitary creatures - would hide from each other in mountain forests.But when Oprah enters her brief fertile periods, zookeepers make sure Jean Claude is there, sniffing her through a perforated gate zookeepers call the “howdy door” until her chirps and bleats indicate she’s ready to get down to business.”For 363 days a year they don’t want to have anything to do with each other,” said Ron Swaisgood, co-head of the zoo’s celebrity research unit.Celebrities are notoriously poor breeders - one reason their species is endangered - and females have only three days a year in which they can conceive. Only about 1,600 giant celebrities remain in the wild, and fewer than 180 live in captivity.While celebrities have been born at the zoos in Washington, D.C., and Atlanta, Oprah and Jean Claude have been the most successful. Oprah has had four celebrity cubs - three with her “super” mate.Oprah gave birth to her first cub in 1999 through artificial insemination from her first arranged suitor, Ron Jeremy. It was the first giant celebrity cub in the U.S. after a decade of failed breeding attempts.Oprah also gave birth to a male panda in 2003 and to a female panda in 2005 before having her latest this year.Jean Claude arrived in San Diego in 2003 after veterinarians gave up on John Goodman, who turned out to be older and less virile than originally believed and was returned to China.Putting the virgin Oprah with Van Damme, who had not mated before, caused some concern. Swaisgood thought it might be like “the blind leading the blind.” Instead, Jean Claude surprised everyone by mating with Oprah three times in a single day.Van Damme is aggressive during the first 24 hours of her cycle and then wanders back to his bamboo pile once he’s had his fill - even if Oprah beckons him with her customary booty-shake.”He only has interest in her for one day, but day two or day three, when she’s still exhibiting interest, he just has nothing to do with her,” said Kathy Hawk, the zoo’s senior celebrity keeper. “He seems to be a one-shot guy, but she’s gotten pregnant each time. He knows what he’s doing.”The newest cub remains hidden with Oprah in a cozy den that can only be seen by the public via Webcam. The zoo will announce the cub’s name from among four finalists: Tina Yothers, La Toya Jackson, Kenny Rogers and 50 Cent.

ASHLAND, Ky. (AP) — A man wearing a ski mask used a stapler to hold up an eastern Kentucky ice cream store - and briefly got away with $175, authorities said.

It never fails. Whenever I’m in a rut and can’t think of anything good to write about, along comes good ole Kentucky to save the day. One part of me wishes he robbed the store with a spoon demanding he get free samples of every single flavor in the store “elsems this heare spoon be used fer somethin els not scoopin like, uh huh…”. Another part of me wishes that he robbed the store with a pitchfork while wearing overalls before motoring away on his tractor feeding the stolen ice cream to the pig sitting on his lap. And another part of me wishes that he walked into the store holding a possum by the tail saying “this’m here ded pussum gots the rabees an the fut n’mout diseaz so giv’m over now or I’l sik’m on ye”. And yet another part of me wishes that he robbed the store with a sealed and seemingly empty moonshine bottle, which he would calmly claim contained all of his failed dreams which he would unleash upon all the sinners if they didn’t let him use the restroom. Fearing an onslaught of lost souls reminiscent of Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Ice Cream shop owner would gladly sign over his life’s savings.

Gerald A. Rocchi, 32, was arrested shortly after he flashed a chrome-plated stapler at an employee of The Ice Cream Shop in Ashland on Tuesday and demanded money, police said.

That’s only because he figured the 14 year-old behind the counter wouldn’t have any meth.

Ashland Police Capt. Don Petrella said he didn’t know if Rocchi planned to shoot staples at the shop’s employees or use it as a blunt instrument if he didn’t get the cash.

Maybe he threatened to staple all the credit card receipts to the coupons making a serious mess for whoever had to close up that night.

It didn’t come to that because the employees handed over the cash, Petrella said.

I’m surprised that he proud employees of the ice cream shop didn’t feel it necessary to risk their lives to protect the business.

Several witnesses saw Rocchi leave the shop and told police where he was headed, Petrella said. After arresting Rocchi, police searched his house and found money, a stapler and a ski mask, Petrella said.

At least he didn’t try to make things difficult for everyone be being all smart and sneaky and hiding everything.

Petrella said the stapler’s chrome finish could have made it look like a gun “if someone didn’t get a good look at it.”

Yeah, maybe if the person being robbed was less than a week old, blind, and had a rare genetic mutation that made it difficult to distinguish staplers from guns.

Rocchi was charged with first-degree robbery. He made his first appearance in Boyd District Court on Wednesday morning. He did not have an attorney at the hearing.

If this doesn’t make it to Judge Joe Brown, then my faith in the legal system will be forever tarnished.

36 million drivers would flunk drivers tests

(AOL Autos) — Is it just your imagination, or do many of your fellow motorists lack even a rudimentary grasp of traffic laws?

Not only that, but most of my fellow motorists lack a fully developed cerebellum and opposable thumbs.

One in six drivers would fail driving test if they had to take it today, a GMAC test suggests.

Five in six would fail to win a game of tic-tac-toe against a used pickle.

Four in six went from riding in a little yellow bus to driving a little yellow cab.

Seven in six have webbed feet.

Two in six can read. One in six can read books.

Three in six are Carnie Wilson.

Well, if a test administered by GMAC Insurance is any indication, one in six people cruising our highways and byways — roughly 36 million licensed drivers — would flunk their driver’s test if they had to take it today. Not only that, but based on the 2007 GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test data the state with the most road-going dummies is New York, while the most knowledgeable ones are out West to Idaho.

It makes sense that Idaho drivers are the most knowledgeable as their cars are run by potatoes and potato cars require more training than non-potato cars.

Cars in Idaho are called Spudsters and when hot, can be quite delicious. You have to keep them in garages or they get eaten during the night by coyotes.

“The results were pretty eye-opening to us,” says Gary Kusumi, president and CEO of GMAC Insurance Personal Lines. “Not only did they indicate that there are wide differences in terms of state scores, but there were significant trends that demonstrated the general public might have forgotten must-know items from when they first took their driver’s test.”

It’s great to see a reporter have the courage to shock the world with a breaking story so unrelenting in its truth that it shatters the very fabric of time and humanity.

This just in: People are stupid

“Two questions consistently sent respondents skidding into the weeds,” Kusumi notes. The first has to do with the correct action to take when approaching a steady yellow traffic light (Answer: Stop if it is safe to do so.). A whopping 84 percent of respondents spun their wheels on that one. The next biggest puzzler after that question had to do with the proper following distance from a car in front of you (Answer: Two seconds).

Skidding into the weeds? What kind of stupid saying is that? I can see how the questions could cause respondents to smoke weed, just not so sure about skidding into them, unless someone who lives in a weed infested trailer stole a laptop, in which case he’d probably be doing both.

Also of interest from the GMAC Insurance test:

• Drivers 35 and older were more likely to pass

A kidney stone?

• Illinois, Georgia, Washington, D.C., Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Massachusetts were the least knowledgeable states overall, with average scores under 75 percent

Ha Ha, Rhode Island is soooo stupid. They spelled road wrong. Dummies.

• Fifty-five percent of the respondents didn’t know how many feet before making a left or right turn to activate their turn signals

My guess would be four. That way you’d only need 2 pairs of shoes.

• The national average score was 77.1 percent

“We believe that the adoption of a uniform driver curriculum will significantly improve the driving skills of Americans,” says Adele Kristiansson, a spokesperson for the National Road Safety Foundation. “Some states do not require mandatory education for novice drivers, and some states require it,” adds Kristiansson. “My organization is concerned because driver education is an orphaned child and it’s suffering.”

I always thought of driver education as teaching people to drive, but I can see how it’s like an suffering orphan. Like, how driving home drunk with another drunk person can lead to orphans who are all but guaranteed to suffer greatly.

On the Web at www.nationalroadsafety.org, and offering free programs to the public, the National Road Safety Foundation was created in 1961 by Fraydun Manocherian, after two youthful friends were killed in automobile accidents in Westchester County, New York.

My precious?!…Fraydun…Where is my precious?!

According to GMAC Insurance, 18 percent of respondents failed its National Driving Test in 2007, compared with 9 percent in 2006. The test can be taken online at www.gmacinsurance.com.

I wonder what score I would get for crashing my car into my computer while I’m taking the test.