Thing Uno

Yesterday I ran into an 80 year-old lady whose cell phone ringtone was Justin Timberlake’s “Bringing Sexy Back”, which resulted in me Bringing Breakfast Back. Back up through my windpipe and onto the snow covered concrete below. The smell of green eggs and bile on the dirty ground smelled noticeably better than the mixture of Ben Gay and Rue McClanahan inspired perfume that she was wearing.

Thing Dos

The toilet broke at work and a Russian Roto Rooter guy showed up to fix the mess. He kept coming up front to complain about how difficult the job was and to try and find out who made the mess. Now, I feel bad that you have to clean the mess, but I didn’t force you to work for Roto Rooter, and it shouldn’t be a complete surprise that if do in fact choose to make that your occupation, that you’ll occasionally have to unclog a toilet or two. He insisted on showing us how he had to get the “obstruction” out and would ask us if we wanted to see. It turned out that someone had flushed a Tampex (yes, he told us the brand) tampon down the toilet, which was fantastic as it eliminated me as a suspect.

Thing Très

The toilet clogged again and I went next door to AAA to see if we could borrow a plunger, as we had none. The typical 2 hours it takes for them to respond to a road emergency made much more sense after waiting 15 minutes for them to locate their plunger.

Thing Quatro

A new study has been done to find out why it is considered gross to kiss your sister. Did someone actually spend money to conduct this study? Without being a scientist, I can say with complete confidence that the reason it’s gross to kiss your sister is, well…BECAUSE SHE’S YOUR SISTER! Freaking morons. Unless you live in West Virginia, in which case if you asked someone why it’s gross to kiss your sister, the response would be “don’t you be talkin’ bout my wife like that”.

Thing Cinco

I saw an infomercial for Hip Hop Abs. It sounds like fun, but I’m not exactly sure how you can get six-pack abs by drinking Cavarsiar and smoking blunts.