Indian Man Marries Dog to Ward Off Curse

P. Selvakumar, 33, said he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. To atone for this, he married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony Sunday.

I don’t know which is worse, being stoned and hung to death or having to marry a man who likes to marry and butcher canines. At least it was a female dog, because marrying a male dog would just be perverse.

According to Selvakumar, after that incident, his “legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear.”

Did he stone them to death with a hand grenade? I hope he doesn’t think he has the right to yell at his new bride “Listen Bitch!…stop barking in my bad ear!”

An astrologer had told him the wedding was the only way he could end the curse. To this end, his family picked out (an arranged marriage!) Selvi, a former stray.

I wonder if that’s the same astrologer who told me not to worry about getting a college degree and to pursue a career in comedy.

Apparently such marriages are not uncommon in India, in cases of warding off “bad omens” or “evil spells” — and the participants are free to marry again and do not need to divorce.

Is the dog allowed to remarry? What kind of support is given to the traumatized animals forced to get married idiot humans against their will. And the guy probably smells too, which is extra torture what with dogs having a highly developed sense of smell. They spend years being good doggy-wives, slaving over the kibble bowl and playing with their husbands bone and then they get kicked to the curb without so much as a thank you come again. It’s not right. Not right at all.

I hope he ended up with an arranged marriage to the angry and bitter puppy born to a giant St. Bernard and one of Michael Vick’s yet to be euthanized pitbulls. His new wife could bite an ear off whenever he tried to go near his hot chocolate.