Indian Man Marries Dog to Ward Off Curse

P. Selvakumar, 33, said he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. To atone for this, he married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony Sunday.

I don’t know which is worse, being stoned and hung to death or having to marry a man who likes to marry and butcher canines. At least it was a female dog, because marrying a male dog would just be perverse.

According to Selvakumar, after that incident, his “legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear.”

Did he stone them to death with a hand grenade? I hope he doesn’t think he has the right to yell at his new bride “Listen Bitch!…stop barking in my bad ear!”

An astrologer had told him the wedding was the only way he could end the curse. To this end, his family picked out (an arranged marriage!) Selvi, a former stray.

I wonder if that’s the same astrologer who told me not to worry about getting a college degree and to pursue a career in comedy.

Apparently such marriages are not uncommon in India, in cases of warding off “bad omens” or “evil spells” — and the participants are free to marry again and do not need to divorce.

Is the dog allowed to remarry? What kind of support is given to the traumatized animals forced to get married idiot humans against their will. And the guy probably smells too, which is extra torture what with dogs having a highly developed sense of smell. They spend years being good doggy-wives, slaving over the kibble bowl and playing with their husbands bone and then they get kicked to the curb without so much as a thank you come again. It’s not right. Not right at all.

I hope he ended up with an arranged marriage to the angry and bitter puppy born to a giant St. Bernard and one of Michael Vick’s yet to be euthanized pitbulls. His new wife could bite an ear off whenever he tried to go near his hot chocolate.

$110 hamburger lands on Jakarta hotel menu

JAKARTA, Indonesia (Reuters) — A hotel in Indonesia is dishing out a hamburger that costs more than twice the monthly minimum wage in some parts of the country.

I’m not certain why I’m supposed to be interested in a hamburger that costs 6 dollars and 42 cents.

The $110 hamburger offered by the Four Seasons is made of Kobe beef with foie gras, Portobello mushrooms and Korean pears — served with french fries, of course.

Well, I can understand why a hamburger made from the meat of Kobe Bryant would be so expensive. He’s a celebrity. I hope they come up with a Rosie O’Donnell Triple Bacon CheddarBurger. That would rock. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, “Celebrities taste like angels dipped in chocolate”. I wonder how much it would cost to eat Paris Hilton. Probably a little less than Kobe as it’s free to watch her being eaten.

They’re not exactly selling like hot cakes yet, but the hotel says it has sold 20 of the 1 million rupiah ($110.10) hamburgers since they were launched this month.

That’s probably because not many people in Indonesia know who Kobe Bryant is and hot cakes are made out of celebrities that are more well-known over there, such as Oprah, and Simon Cowell. As a side note, I must say that Oprah hotcakes are sweeter and have less of an aftertaste than Kobe Bryant Burgers, although neither holds a candle to the new and limited edition holiday Twinkies filled with imitation Sally Struthers flavored Creme Filling. Mmmm…Mmmmm…..Just like angels.

“One burger has 225 grams of Kobe beef. It is so expensive because the flavor is really different,” said Erwan Ruswandi, the chief of the restaurant offering the gourmet burger.

Anytime you’re spending that kind of money on something that’s sold by the gram, it better be either really flavorful or really illegal.

“The calves in Kobe get special treatment … they drink beer mixed with milk, vitamins and eat pesticide-free grass. We add foie gras and also some Korean pears. We import all the materials, and they are high quality, so it is so expensive.”

Kobe Bryant’s calves drink beer? I wonder if that helps him jump so high. Does he inject them or do they have tiny little mouths on them, like Roseanne has on her ankles. Although Roseanne’s ankle mouths don’t drink beer, as they only like to eat live guppies.

The minimum wage in most parts the country of 220 million is as low as around $40 a month.

See, my guess earlier was actually pretty close. Shame on those of you who laughed.

A tiny number of Indonesians are among the richest people in Asia, while millions live in dire poverty in urban slums or shanty towns in the countryside.

Yeah, that’s way different than everywhere else in the world, where most of the people are really rich and there are just a few select poor people who live under the bridge.

4 Things

1

Someone said to me today that there is nothing worse than a Summer cold. I politely beg to differ. The top 2 things on my list of things that are worse than a Summer cold are, not in any particular order, mouth syphilis, and people who say really f@cking stupid things.

2

I accidentally dropped my Chapstick in the toilet and didn’t want it to go to waste so I pulled it out of the toilet, dried it off with my blowdryer, and gave it to homeless person. How perfect in that I’ve given someone the cure for chapped lips and in all likelihood, the fresh urine scent will be a vast improvement over the aged urine scent that homeless lips usually smell like. Go me!

3

A radio commercial used the phrase – a crack or dent in my windshield –

I mistakenly thought they said - a crack whore dented my windshield –

Is that like the most hilarious mix up you’ve ever heard of in your whole life or what!? The people who made the commercial should really consider changing it because when I heard about what the crack whore had done, I was truly interested to see what would happen next. For a brief moment I was enthralled. If it turns out that the next thing that happens after your windshield gets walloped by a bitter crack whore who is upset that you didn’t pay her the agreed upon 8 dollars is that Papi Glass fixes your windshield, that might not be bad advertising. If during the next day I have some homeless guy put a hole in my windshield with his chapstick, I would probably think to myself call Papi Glass, look at how they fixed that windshield busted up by that crack whore.

For

There was a big lightning storm yesterday and Wal-Mart went on lockdown mode, not allowing anyone to leave, and someone I know was one of the unlucky people stuck inside. I’d seriously rather get trapped inside a 10-foot wide hairy yeasty hippie-vagina than be stuck inside of Wal-Mart. To your left you’d have greeters trying to start conversations with you, and to your right you’d have some 15 year-old trailer park princess who didn’t know she was pregnant pop out 6 or 7 babies right on the floor. You would have no choice but to speak to the 106 year-old half-retarded hunchback or you’d end up slipping and falling face first into a puddle of newborn baby fluids. At least they sell guns if the lockdown goes on for more than 3 or 4 minutes and you just want to end it all.

‘Bride’ with pot drives into N.H. pond

GILFORD, N.H. (AP) — A woman wearing a wedding dress and parked beside a pond drove into the water Wednesday after officers tried to take a bag of marijuana from her, police said.

First of all, that’s some serious junkie behavior there. If you’re pulling a stunt like that, you should be sucking on a crack pipe with a syringe dangling from between your toes. There should be an empty boxed wine container lying on the passenger’s seat, and she should have recently sold her baby to pay off her pimp. And lastly, there should be an untouched piece of wedding cake sitting on the dashboard, its only blemish being the salty residue from her tears.

Secondly and more importantly, that must have been some seriously good weed to decide that it was worth sacrificing you car to keep from losing your dime bag.

When the state fish and game conservation officers and a nearby resident tried to rescue the woman from her sinking sport-utility vehicle, she bit the neighbor on the arm, authorities said.

That actually makes sense. You have to figure that if the weed was that amazing, that she must have had a serious case of the munchies. That guy’s arm must have looked like one of those giant chicken legs usually reserved for kings and cavemen.

The other possibility that you would have to consider is that she may be a zombie bride. If that is the case, the weed was probably used to satiate her thirst for brains.

The 42-year-old woman was eventually taken to shore, then to a hospital, police said. It was not immediately known whether she was hurt or what her condition was.

If I’m right that she’s a zombie bride, her condition is probably deceased. Baked and hungry are two other possibilities, and the wedding dress indicates a delicious blend of remorse, fear, and false hope.

The conservation officers were checking on the woman, who was parked alone by Saltmarsh Pond in eastern New Hampshire. She became upset and reached for a bag of marijuana, police said. When one of the officers tried to grab the bag, the woman drove off, speeding around the parking lot and then into the water.

If the officer asked politely, I’m sure she would have shared a blunt. As long as he didn’t get greedy and hold for too long without passing, there wouldn’t have been a problem.

She will be charged with reckless conduct, simple assault, driving after suspension and transporting a controlled drug, police said.

She just got married. Isn’t that punishment enough.

I had a tooth implant put in. I deeply regret that I chose a standard white tooth instead of the aquari-implant, complete with a live Sea Monkey with full habitat living inside of it. He would swim in and out of his castle and spend much of his time taunting whoever was standing in front of me. As a very intelligent Sea Monkey, he would learn sign language so that he could insult people without them knowing they were being ridiculed by my little tooth living monkey from the sea. Every time he would see a UPS driver wearing those dorky shorts he would think “What can brown do for you?” which would make him laugh on the inside. He would read the Koran so that he could truly understand people who are different from me (his host) without prematurely passing judgment. He thinks that Drew Carey was born to be the host of The Price is Right and his favorite 80s group would be Bananarama. He would sleep, poop, and dine in his tiny little castle and I would call him Cletus Dinglebee the Third, Sea Monkey of the Stars.

Yesterday I stopped at a store to pick up a water gun to use in training my new kittens to not hop on the coffee table. An employee offered to help and when I told her what the gun was for she started offering all sorts of advice I would expect from a decapitated retarded donkey corpse. She mentioned that maybe a paper bag would scare him, which was very helpful as we all know how much kittens hate playing with crinkled up paper bags. I’m surprised she didn’t ask if they were neutered so that she could advise me to use my fingers to pinch their testicles whenever they hopped on the table.

At one point she said “Oh, kittens, they’re the ones who lift their legs when the go…(she lifted her leg slightly as she said this) Oh…wait a second…those are dogs! I’ve never had any cats or dogs.” Yeah… you not ever owning a pet explains why you’re dumber than an empty hermit crab shell.I do believe that I had the great fortune to run into the one person who has heard the following phrase during an interview at Wall-Mart “I’m sorry, but we find you under-qualified to be a greeter.”

speaking of which…

I took this picture at the bookstore. I thought it very kind of them to add a new section for various types of pussies.