Before we dive into cow anuses, I wanted to bring up the fact that lately I’ve been bombarded by Chinese spam. At least I’m pretty sure it’s spam. It looks as if I’m being left comments by people who run a Mah Jong Casino, or who peddle General Gao’s Penis Enlarging Pills, or people who sell Buddhist Temple Mortgages. But a small part of me is afraid that they’re really not spam, but comments from my rapidly growing Chinese fan base. I probably just deleted an invitation to do my routine in front of Emperor Ming.
Just yesterday I ran into these 2 cow anuses.

The first anus is a pleasant pink that gives the anus a delicate feminine feel. The anus is velvety soft, smells like J-Lo’s perfume and is named Daria.

The second and final anus just happens to be the most patriotic anus you’ll ever run into in your whole life. If you’re not careful you might just get smacked in the face from the stars and stripes shooting out of this magnificent anus. This anus tastes like apple pie and smells like baseball. If you stick your head into this anus, you’ll come out with a crew cut that will get you into the frat party of your wildest dreams.

Some of my favorite recent television moments

moment 1a and 1b

The waning moments of Independence Day, when America figures out how to destroy the aliens, eliciting joyous celebrations from around the world. Cut to a group of African tribesmen jumping up and down, waving their spears in the air. One thing is for certain, if they showed another country saving the planet, the movie would have lost all credibility because it would no longer be at all realistic. Kudos to them for getting that right. I also have to wonder who took out the UFO hovering in flames over the fertile grasslands of Africa. Did one of the stronger tribesman throw a spear and hit the UFO in its Achilles heel, or was it the work of the world renowned Ethiopian Air Force.

Earlier in the movie, while the president sends off the astronauts with a speech heard round the world, they show the same group of spear holding tribesmen watching through the window of the local electronics shop (I believe it was a Best Buy), listening intently to the wise words of the American President. In the background a dingo is seen gnawing on a Zebra carcass.

moment 2

Every boxing referee has his own unique way of starting the fight, such as “Lets get it on!” or “Lets go!” or “Lets have at it!” This past weekend, in what is now officially ranked as my all time favorite referee boxing intro phrase, the ref said “Lets get Poppin!” I truly expected the boxers to have a break dance battle with Doug E Fresh on the beat box.

I’m trying to figure out what my catch phrase will be in case my pager goes off and I get called in to ref a boxing match. Some phrases I’ve come up with are “Hammertime!”, “I pity the fool who don’t fight!”, “Let’s get physical!”, and my favorite “Ready! Set! Go-Time!”

moment 3

On the hit TV show Cops, an officer asked some guy if his girlfriend smokes crack, and his response was “I don’t know”. Fantastic! That’s a guy who knows his girlfriend. He must give the best gifts for Christmas, like football tickets, beer, and porn. Her birthday present was probably the privilege of getting to go with him to a strip club to watch him get a lap dance. Now, I can understand not knowing unimportant things, like your girlfriend’s favorite color, parent’s names, or what she named her favorite pocket rocket, but you would think that you would have some semblance of an idea about whether or not she smokes those sneaky little crack rocks. You’d think he would get the hint by the way she asks to borrow eight dollars every couple of hours, after which she’d disappear until it was time to ask for eight more dollars. And he must have thought that her hat that says I Love Crack was either just a joke, not unlike the super-funny I’m With Stupid hats, or maybe she has a serious butt crack fetish. The second idea actually makes sense because she “accidentally” clogged the sink 3 separate times just so she could stare at fresh middle-aged hairy plumber crack. The plumber never came back after she wouldn’t stop asking for eight dollars.

HOMESTEAD, FL (NBC) — South Floridians have claimed to see holy images in things like grilled cheese or a pancake. On Thursday, a Homestead, Florida man said he saw Jesus in an X-ray he had taken of himself at a doctor’s office.

That has to be the least delicious Jesus image in history.

“I feel a little nervous,” Reynaldo Farinas said.

I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he was looking at the results of his chest X-ray.

After experiencing chest pains, Farinas went to Homestead Hospital. While he was there, physicians ordered an X-ray of his chest. Some say what that X-ray revealed could be a message from a higher power.

Maybe the message was to eat less bacon.

“Last night I checked and see the face of Jesus Christ there,” Farinas said.

I saw the same thing on my X-ray, except they referred to it as my large intestine. On an interesting side note, the X-ray of my liver looks like Steve Guttenberg. If you add my spleen and sphincter, which respectively look like Tom Selleck and Ted Danson, you’d have a hilarious version of Three Men and a Baby Jesus.

The Farinas’ along with his physician and a medical technician said the image on the X-ray resembles Jesus Christ.

Who was his doctor, Doctor Doolitle?

The doctor said he could not explain the silhouette.

The patient said he could not explain the bill he received in the mail a week later.

At least they were thoughtful enough to make it both boneless and reasonably priced. I bet it tastes especially delicious with a thin slice of pepper-jack cheese and a dab of honey mustard sandwiched between two Eucharist wafers. Also, if you cook it backwards for exactly 3 hours you can see an image of the Virgin Mary cooked into the ham.

This came to me courtesy of future author and sketch comedy connoisseur Randy. Look out JK Rowling!

no ofence to yu but i think that stand up comedy is trash!!! id rather watch skit comedy…or jus watcha tv show that a comedian stars in!! cus theres more jokes and its as if he shows me wat to think he acts it out for me instead of thinkin of it myself in my head!!! comedy isnt sumtihng ur imaginiation shows u..its sumthing that that comedian does threw HIS/HER imagination!!….so i guess that i wont find ur stuff funny!! seeing as i got alot of stress in my life ia int got alot of reasons to laff right now!!! peace

OMAHA (AP) - Weather forecasters predict Nebraska will receive a treacherous mix of sleet, freezing rain and snow this weekend, so it’s understandable that events may get canceled.

That’s just terrible, what with the legendary Nebraska nightlife beckoning. Much like Vegas, Omaha has their own saying “What happens in Omaha, Stays in your nightmares”. At least you’re not losing a huge deposit when you cancel a barn dance.

But one of the first cancellations announced Friday afternoon came from an unexpected source: organizers of the Polar Bear Plunge.

So, you’re not going into freezing water because it’s too cold out? That’s like not going to the gym because you have to walk a couple of blocks back to your car. Instead of the Polar Bear Plunge, they should call themselves the Baby Bear Cubs and have their annual meetings at Baby Gap.

The chilling swim in Omaha’s Zorinsky Lake raises money for the Special Olympics, but organizers decided to postpone the event because of the weather.

What was not postponed, however, was the benefit karaoke night put on by the Special Olympics to raise money for the Polar Bear Plunge Club.

“We were kind of worried about the ice coming and people driving to the event,” said Wendy Jackson, with Special Olympics of Nebraska. “We don’t want anybody hurting themselves.”

Or at least they don’t want anybody hurting themselves before they can get hypothermia, frostbite, and have their hands and feet amputated in front of the spectators, making it look like they have bear paws. Have him bathe inn Rogaine for a couple of months and steal a few picnic baskets and you’ve got a man born to lead the Polar Bears Plungers.