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Random Videos
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There are only 2 things creepier than clowns. The first is clowns without their makeup on, and the second is my last roommate’s spooky homemade doll.
I don’t know if you have ever met a clown without his face-paint and his clubfeet jammed inside of his giant clownshoes going about his daily life, but I have, and it wasn’t a comforting experience. And don’t think that creeps who make balloon animals are exempt here, because they’re not. They’re even creepier because they have the talent level of a Wal-Mart greeter in their first week on the job and they think that they’re true artists who’ve mastered a craft. It takes more skill to make your burps sound like words than to make a balloon poodle. These people all scare me that they’re allowed out in public around kids. They drive around in their vans with their puppies and bags of candy making balloon baboons and juggling with only 3 balls and slipping on banana peels like they’re the long lost 4th retarded stooge. They should keep clowns on a leash and bring them out only when kids are having a birthday or when junkies are getting their methadone treatments. They should never be allowed to take off their face-paint. If they’re caught doing so, they should be sprayed in the eye with a bowtie filled with anchovies and walrus urine.
My last roommate’s doll on the other hand, is far creepier than any clown could ever hope to be. John Wayne Gacy would be scared of this doll. Chucky would pee in his Osh-Kosh-B’Goshes at the mere mention of this doll’s existence. If my parents ever gave me a doll like this I would cry myself to sleep every night. But since they didn’t, I was forced to find other reasons to cry myself to sleep. Just try to sleep after gazing into its eyes, my pretty little blog readers. Just try.
I did a show recently at the Black Comedy Explosion in Randolph, MA. About a half-hour south of Boston, Randolph is the last place you’d expect to see such a show. I fully expect that there were 200 white people at a comedy show in the middle of Boston whispering to each other how they can’t believe that there were no function halls available in Randolph and that they hoped their cars were safe. There are 2 rooms in the VFW where the show took place. There’s the large room where the show was, and there’s a separate bar, with a kitchen in between the 2 rooms. The other bar had about 6 people with 4 at the bar drinking whiskey and watching Ron White and the 7 Midgets. The other 2 were drunken line dancing to a Randy Travis jingle. The room where the show was had about 191 black people, 6 Latinos, and 4 skanky white girls all whored out in an all out effort to find their next baby’s daddy. Walking from one room to the other was like walking through some sort of ethnic bizarro-world black hole. If you smooshed both rooms together you’d wind up with the black cowboy judge from Nashville Star.
Before the show they ask you what song you’d like the DJ to play on your way to the stage. I wasn’t at all prepared for all this. I asked if they could play Cindi Lauper’s She Bop, and not the radio version. I wanted the b-side Wyclef remix with Kanye West rapping on it.
The pre-show def poetry jam poems and original music sung by a d-grade Jodeci wannabe brought the crowd to a dull mumble.
The comic before me lost control of the crowd and they started getting really loud and chatty. When the host, Jonathon Gates, came back up, he spent several minutes going at it with one particularly boisterous lady. She wouldn’t shut up, so he sent over a very large man to kick her out. She still wouldn’t leave, so he agreed to speak with her when he left the stage, which coincidentally was going to be when I was on the stage. Perfect.
Apparently the DJ left his Cindi Lauper records at home, so I took the stage to some random cut that I certainly didn’t approve. I also wasn’t aware that I was supposed to signal to the DJ to cut the music, so it continued to play for a minute or so while I stood onstage twiddling with the microphone and looking pretty. He eventually cut the music and I went into my set.
I had a really strong set even with Jonathon chatting with the unruly woman in the crowd for half of my set. The crowd went crazy for my kung fu porno bit and looked a little confused at my Jew based material.
After the show I had an older woman spend 10 minutes holding my hand telling me what an amazing experience she had and that we made her think of her mother who died of cancer and used to smile all the time. That made me feel almost as good as having another crowd member tell the female comic that she was almost as funny as the white guy.
Direct from the website where these precious little critters are sold.
Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach Brooch
A little information on our little friends. These insects come in varied patterns and are decorated with the finest Austrian Swarovski crystal. Each roach takes about an hour of painstaking work to achieve his final magical glory. All roaches are male to ensure sterility, and come complete with a leash set. This consists of a gorgeous pin you attach to your clothing with a chain that clasps to the cockroach’s carapace to keep him from running amok. The lifespan of these animals is approximately one year if housed and fed properly. This is not a guarantee, it is an estimate. Roaches love fresh bananas and must have access to fresh water at all times, a very damp paper towel or cotton ball will do the trick. Dehydration is the main cause of death. Keep him in a little terrarium in the dark and he will love you and be very responsive to your touch. Roaches are shipped overnight in a box and can be kept in this box for up to 4 days without food or water while you secure him more hospitable accommodations.
