NASHVILLE, Tennessee (AP) — Brushing three times a day is a tough task, especially if you’re roughing it in the mountains of Afghanistan or in the Iraqi desert.

Interesting that this article was written in Tennessee. I’m not so certain that brushing three times a day happens too often there either. Maybe three times a month.

So goes the logic behind a recent endeavor by Army and civilian scientists — combat gum for soldiers too busy to brush.

It’s nice to know that our nation’s top scientists have so much free time on their hands. I must have missed the memo that we found a cure for cancer.

The gum, described at the American Association of Pharmaceutical Scientists convention this week in Nashville, would contain a special bacteria-fighting agent to prevent plaque, cavities and gum disease.

Too bad it couldn’t make people smarter. I’d walk up and down the street jamming it into people’s stupid gaping pie-holes.

Soldiers in the field often lack the necessary time and means to brush and floss. Compounding the problem is the stress of combat, which can encourage bacterial growth in the mouth, said Col. Dennis Runyan, commander of the Army Dental and Trauma Research Detachment in Great Lakes, Illinois.

That’s a whole lotta complicated words to say that army folk have breath with the stopping power of a barrel full of anthrax.

Gum was considered an ideal solution because the Army already issues gum to soldiers in their field rations.

It’s sad that common sense with government related issues is strictly limited to gum and perhaps taffy.

Dr. Patrick DeLuca, a University of Kentucky drug product developer, is working to perfect the prototype, trying to make it taste better and ensure that it retains its flavor and bacteria-fighting ability for 30 minutes to an hour.

They seriously need to sell this technology to Hubba Bubba. You’re lucky if you still have a smidgeon of bubble gum flavor left after 60 seconds.

Once the development stage is complete sometime within the next year, scientists will begin testing the gum, possibly with Army units.

That means that they’re going to have soldiers not brush their teeth for at least a few weeks while they test the gum. Talk about weapons of mass destruction.

If the Army decides to pursue the idea, it will probably team up with a manufacturer to produce the gum. The Army has been talking to companies like chewing gum giant Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co., Runyan said.

They’d be stupid to not go with Bazooka. They could then try to start recruiting kids with messages in the little cartoons. They could have the scientists come up with something catchy. They’ll have lots of time since they successfully tackled the gum project.

Runyan said he hopes to see a finished product available within four years.

Cannibal Holocaust? I Spit on Your Grave? Necromantic? Throw Mama from the Train?

The teacher, whose identity has not been released, showed “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” in his class at Tates Creek High School in Lexington, WLKY NewsChannel 32 reported Thursday.

Maybe the teacher should be commended if he was in fact trying to show the benefits of human partners in an effort to pry kids away from the unconditional love provided by warm local chicken butts.

A spokesman for Fayette County Public Schools said the movie was not in Spanish.

In Kentucky you get an A+ in Spanish if you can pronounce Fajita with a silent J. The class is taught by the Taco Bell Chiwawa.

Since the movie is R-rated, it was not supposed to have been shown to anyone under 17 not accompanied by a parent or guardian, WLKY reported.

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. (AP)

Thank goodness, I was getting tired of doing posts about people from Kentucky. And I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall during the town counsel meeting where they decided that if Philadelphia and Arkansas had a little bastard baby, it would be called Arkadelphia, and that would be the name of their 12 family trailer park.

–Sometimes a chicken does have lips, just not her own. Marian Morris saved her brother’s exotic chicken, Boo Boo, by administering “mouth-to-beak” resuscitation on the fowl after it was found floating face down in the family’s pond.

What kind of name for an exotic chicken is Boo Boo. Boo Boo sounds like a retarded cow, or a retarded ghost. An exotic chicken should be named something exotic like Bubbles, or Shaniqua. It also helped that a family pond in Arkansas consists of a plastic children’s Dukes of Hazard wading pool or a spit-can.

Morris, a retired nurse, said she hadn’t had any practice with CPR in years, but that she was interested to see if she “still had it.”

Does that mean she wanted to see if she could still make a dead chicken come to life with a wiggle of her jiggly country ass and a little tongue action from her hot Vaseline coated lips?

“I breathed into its beak, and its dad-gum eyes popped open,” Morris said. “I breathed into its beak again, and its eyes popped open again. “I said, ‘I think this chicken’s alive now. Keep it warm.’”

I actually won my 5th grade spelling bee with the word dad-gum. Some other words I correctly spelled on my path to glory were dog-nabbit, jumpin-jahoosephats, hooooooeeeey, and Listerine.

Morris said she was pleased to find that the bird she saved was an “exotic,” and not just an ordinary chicken.

Ordinary chickens aren’t as “grateful”, and don’t go out of their way to “return the favor”. Exotic chickens on the other hand give some of the best lap dances you’d ever want to get from poultry.

The chicken is called Boo Boo, because she is easily frightened. The family thought Boo Boo was startled and flopped into the pond.

Referee - Reeeeealllly low grade actor (think Telemundo fill-ins) hired to wear a referee uniform and call “puppy fouls”, every time a puppy made a mess on the field, at which point he would forfeit any dignity holding on for dear life in his zebra striped body when he would clean the doody with his penalty flag

Camera guy - Backing out of the Schwartz bar-mitzvah to work for animal planet is a move he will regret until his final breath has left his smelly little pie hole

Props:

Puppy Chute - Where puppies would be forced onto the playing field. Some puppies would try to scamper back up, as they were scared to death of getting bullied by the bigger puppies

Puppy Bowl - For lapping of water. The puppy bowl came equipped with a puppy-cam to catch this often mysterious act from angles never before seen by humans. Every once in a while a puppy would put his paw into the bowl only to be unknowingly caught by the puppy-cam.

Iams Instant Replay - Just in case someone missed the puppy putting his paw in the water

Length of Puppy Bowl:

Length of Super Bowl

Action during Puppy Bowl:

Puppies walking around, occasionally stopping to sniff each other’s butts, or drink a little water. This cycle of fun would repeat itself with new puppies being inserted onto the playing field through the chute, while the tired and now useless puppies would mysteriously disappear

Action that would have taken place had I planned the Puppy Bowl:

The game would start with mice and kittens interacting, with baby pitbulls added into the mix after a couple of minutes. After the bobcats and wild boars entered the fray, animals of escalating size and ferocity would enter the stadium culminating with a baby whale being dropped onto the stadium. This event would be called the Dorito’s Food-Chain Bowl.

Actual excerpts taken from AnimalPlanet.com:

We’ve got plays, tackles, and fumbles too, only ours are much cuter!

A fiesty Jack Russell Terrier named Bandit earned “Most Valuable Puppy” after our day of amazing puppy plays.

Spaying and Neutering Are Good for the Community (spaying and neutering most of the people that live in said community would be far more beneficial to everyone, but that’s another post)

Catch all of the plays, tackles and fumbles of a typical Sunday afternoon, but with an adorable twist. In the first-ever Puppy Bowl, watch Itsy the French bulldog, Maxie the lovable lab, Bandit the 13-week-old Jack Russell Terrier and a whole roster of cuddly canines as they pounce and play in the cutest “sporting event” of the year.

this is one game that gives new meaning to the term “dog day afternoon.”

Actual reviews of the Puppy Bowl:

This was an absolutely darling idea! My husband and I watched it with our 9 month old puppy, who was completely riveted. She ran up to sniff the television everytime one of the puppies whined or barked. We knew we had to get this DVD as soon as we saw it was available just to relive all the hilarious and warm fuzzy moments.

enjoyed all the dogs. the ref cleaning the field and giving penaltes was funny.

As one of the most brilliantly conceived spectacles of human entertainment, the Puppy Bowl reigns supreme. I tried to change the channel when I first saw this, but it was impossible. The cuteness took control of my body and almost forced me to watch. I cannot wait to relive the joy I had of seeing the Puppy Bowl when this DVD is released. Then, and only then will the masses know of the happiness and purest, warmest feelings that only newborn canines can provide!

The best part is when the Ref comes out and cleans up the soiled turf with the penalty flag. Great fun!

Without exaggerating, this was the most inventive, original thing I’ve seen in many, many years. I sat there mesmerized the whole time, well, aside from giggling every couple of minutes.

This is so funny. The golden retriever washes his paws a lot. I laughed the entire time.

Yesterday, I watched this for 8 hours over and over again.

if you are in a bad mood or feeling depressed nothing will feel bad after 2.5 hours of pure puppy fun!!!

This is the most amazing tribute to the superbowl ever, with classic NFL music and commentator, this is a real pleaser. These puppies get penalized for doing their poo, its soo cute, and the waterbowl camera is too much fun. It will get your wife in the mood too.