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Random Videos
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I did a show a little while back at a place just south of Boston called Vinnie Testas. Quantity over quality is their slogan, or it should be. When you drive up there’s a couple of valets who I wouldn’t trust to walk my dog, much less park my car. And that’s saying a lot considering that I don’t even have a dog. The first person you get to meet inside the building is a maitre d’ named Vinnie. He informed me that, yo, the comedy show is in da ballroom behind me, as he grabbed his nuts. The house special was more than likely fried ravioli. The portions were fantastically enormous. One of the comics ordered spaghetti that was served in a bowl large enough to bathe a small chinaman. The meatball was the size of Rubin Studdard’s head.
The crowd was all in the 14-16 year-old range. They were so tiny in their Abercrombie shirts and backwards baseball caps. Indeed, I was performing in front of the future Preppy Killers of America.
One of the comics who went before me said things like “Parents don’t understand! Are you with me kids?!” He was like Bob Saget without the laughs.
At one point the host approached a girl in the crowd to ask a question. A very random squealing came from her mouth, not unlike a ferret in heat. Her name was Sam, short for Samantha, and she would soon play a much bigger part in what would amount to be one of the most bizarre comedy shows I’ve ever been a part of.
I took the stage anticipating a willing crowd, as there were a lot of Jews in the house, and it’s a known fact that my people really do like me. The mic was on a tiny clip like you’d see on a talk show guest. I decided to clip it to the straw on my ice-coffee. After a few minutes, one of the counselors in the back put her hand in the air. I stopped in the middle of my Nutter Butter joke so that she could ask her question. She was curious as to why the mic was clipped to my coffee’s straw. I told her it was so I could sip my drink in between jokes. What a silly question.
I then opened the floor to the rest of the room to see if anyone else had a question for me. Sam raised her little hand. Samantha was mildly retarded. Not “I like pudding” retarded, but more of a soft helmet wearing retarded. She said:
“What strange holidays do you celebrate?”
I had to have her clarify the question, as I thought she was asking me what Chinese holidays I celebrate. She then went on for several minutes about how her old school celebrated National Duck Day. It’s apparently quite a complex holiday that involves making rubber ducks and bringing them to school. I mentioned that I’d like to see a similar holiday, but with midgets. You would bring them to school and dress them up in cute pirate outfits and such. She then blurted out that there was a song. Oh, praise the lord. Of course there was a song. I gestured for her to come to the stage. She joined me on the stage and took the coffee cup mic from my hand. She then proceeded to sing the Rubber Ducky song from Sesame Street. It was pure comedy magic. I finished my Nutter Butter joke then went on to complete my set.
It was made even more fun seeing how much enjoyment Sam got out of the evening. She wasn’t being laughed at, as everyone in the crowd knew her. It was, however, incredibly surreal and I hope my future children are just like her so that I can take them to shows with me for the crowd to laugh at them singing songs in their funny voices.
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