On a special day, not too long ago, a woman gave birth in Wal-Mart. What a heartwarming way to be welcomed into this wondrous world of ours. I can only begin to imagine all the spellbinding and historic things this magical baby has in front of him. Oh…to witness such a precious gift being given to the world. The only thing better would be if the baby also happened to be delivered on Christmas. What a perfect place to deliver a baby. You have discounted knives in the sporting goods department, which would be perfect to cut the umbilical cord. You have giant colorful moo-moos in the ladies department, which could double as a perfectly fitted hospital gown. You have the plastic white trash Budweiser kiddie pools in case you want an underwater birth. The kitchen department has readily available cutting boards and tiny shrimp gutting knives for the circumcision and the owner of the store may or may not be present which would provide the Jew to conduct the ceremony. The professional photographer could be paged to the delivery to get some close-up shots of the baby’s deformed head with bulging eyeballs as his first sight in this world is the big President’s Day sale display of Paris Hilton’s bestselling novel entitled “No really, i AM smartur than Anna Nicole”. The post-surgical meal would be a scrumptious combination of Spam sandwiches, not-so-kosher hot dogs, expired tuna mixed with white ice cream, and a big mug filled with Sam’s Soda. The dyslexic returns department could write out the most authentic Percocet prescriptions. You have dozens of half-retarded spectators to cheer on the half-retarded delivery team. It could be the pilot episode of A&E’s new hit reality show “The Down Syndrome Doctors”, which will be airing every Monday at 10 following the story of an up-and-coming bowling alley being run by Jeff Gillooly and John Bobbitt called “Betcha Bobbillooly”. And to top it all off, you have an illegal immigrant getting paid $2.37 an hour, just salivating at the opportunity to clear isle 5 of all birthing fluids.

The whole delivery would cost less than $17. What more could you ask for? I’m going to have all my babies delivered at Wal-Mart.