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Random Videos
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At the movie theatre earlier today I was at the front of the line to get some nachos and a soda when I noticed a blind woman with her mentally challenged friend, and they were having a tough time making it to the front of the line for some reason. So listening to my finely tuned moral compass, I decided I could wait an extra minute or two for my nachos in order to let them pass in front of me. The man behind me commented that what I did was nice and I mentioned that it’s not like I couldn’t miss a preview.
This experience put me smack dab in the middle of one the most long-standing and heated debates today regarding whether or not people with mental and certain other disabilities should be allowed at the movies. I can understand both sides of the argument.
Upon entering the movie I was startled to find that I missed the first 30 seconds of the movie. Those who argue against them being allowed at the movies would have a valid argument that if they weren’t there, I would have easily made the beginning of the movie. They would also argue that there are already movies made for blind people. It’s called the radio.
My beliefs on this subject lean towards allowing them to go the movies, but during certain time blocks, like say…on Tuesday from noon to 4. That seems like a win-win for everybody involved, and being able to solve the problem without being unfair to anyone makes me feel good on the inside, and I like that feeling.
During that time frame you could have 3 parking spaces per vehicle, which would allow for efficient parking of quite a few little yellow buses. Complimentary pudding wouldn’t be the worst idea either.
I think it makes sense to warn people when there may be special people at the movies. Maybe a scrolling bar across the TV screen like when there’s a tornado warning. Possibly the people who run the Amber Alert System will selflessly share their technology and we can kill two disabled birds with one stone.
Either way, this debate isn’t likely to go away anytime soon. Like abortion, Gun control, and women in the Olympics, this ultra-politically charged subject will most likely remain unresolved for years to come.
Here is but a sampling of some strange accidents that I’ve had:
I was eating a Jalapeno Popper that I had just taken out of the oven. I didn’t let them cool down, thus they were still scalding hot. I eagerly took a bite into one of them, causing it to burst with the cheese-lava spattering onto my chin. I yelped in pain as my chin started sizzling. You could smell the sweet combination of cream cheese, Jalapeno, and flesh. There was a red burn mark on my chin for a couple of weeks.
While riding my bike up a hill, I was distracted daydreaming about something, more than likely involving juggling monkeys. Obviously not paying attention at all, I rode my bike right into a car. A parked car. A parked car with people inside of it. A parked car facing my direction with the people in it looking right at me and seeing the whole thing. Seeing me end up upside down on my bike. Usually I can play things off pretty well, but there really wasn’t much I could say in that particular situation. I did the only thing I could think of, which was to get up, not say anything pretending like nothing just happened and ride off.
When I was a tiny little Jew, I was warming myself after coming home from skiing. Getting a tad bit too close to the fireplace, I ended up getting a nice chunky grill mark burnt right onto my little behind.
When I was delivering a pizza, I knocked over a stop sign while being distracted by a bikini girl. In my defense, the stop sign was in the middle of the road, not on the side of it, so I never actually left the road. But, on the other hand, it’s not like the sign was invisible…
With bills out of control, I got an advance from work to try and catch up a little bit. I went straight to the horse track and lost all the money. On the way home I totaled my car.
As a teenager I used to get bloody noses really easily. When I was in 6th grade, we were about to take a test that I really wanted to avoid. I punched myself in the nose and told the teacher that I was about to get a bloody nose and that I should go to the nurse. She didn’t believe me so I bled on the floor. She then sent me to the nurse. Go me!
I was walking around the corner at work and fell. This was when I was larger, so the fall was reminiscent of the giant Imperial Walkers in Return of the Jedi, falling to the ground after getting caught in a trap set by one of those pesky Ewoks. It was the most awkward fall ever in the long illustrious history of falls. It happened in slow motion and if my memory serves me right I think there was even a music score. The whole time I was falling I was praying that nobody was watching. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes. As I hit the ground with an earth rattling thump, I quickly looked up. OH NO! Jane was sitting a mere 5 feet from the scene of the accident. She didn’t even look up. Amazing. How could she have possibly missed it? Was she was deaf. Had I been working with a lip reader all this time without knowing it? I didn’t think so, but now I wasn’t so sure. I wiped my brow in relief. No one had seen me. As I picked myself up, I saw the one thing I had hoped to avoid. Down the hall, Paul was staring right at me with the biggest Cheshire Cat grin you’d ever want to punch off someones smug face. I knew from that moment on that I’d never hear the end of this story. I haven’t. But he was once repeatedly bitten by a large rat, so I can always bring that up.
On a special day, not too long ago, a woman gave birth in Wal-Mart. What a heartwarming way to be welcomed into this wondrous world of ours. I can only begin to imagine all the spellbinding and historic things this magical baby has in front of him. Oh…to witness such a precious gift being given to the world. The only thing better would be if the baby also happened to be delivered on Christmas. What a perfect place to deliver a baby. You have discounted knives in the sporting goods department, which would be perfect to cut the umbilical cord. You have giant colorful moo-moos in the ladies department, which could double as a perfectly fitted hospital gown. You have the plastic white trash Budweiser kiddie pools in case you want an underwater birth. The kitchen department has readily available cutting boards and tiny shrimp gutting knives for the circumcision and the owner of the store may or may not be present which would provide the Jew to conduct the ceremony. The professional photographer could be paged to the delivery to get some close-up shots of the baby’s deformed head with bulging eyeballs as his first sight in this world is the big President’s Day sale display of Paris Hilton’s bestselling novel entitled “No really, i AM smartur than Anna Nicole”. The post-surgical meal would be a scrumptious combination of Spam sandwiches, not-so-kosher hot dogs, expired tuna mixed with white ice cream, and a big mug filled with Sam’s Soda. The dyslexic returns department could write out the most authentic Percocet prescriptions. You have dozens of half-retarded spectators to cheer on the half-retarded delivery team. It could be the pilot episode of A&E’s new hit reality show “The Down Syndrome Doctors”, which will be airing every Monday at 10 following the story of an up-and-coming bowling alley being run by Jeff Gillooly and John Bobbitt called “Betcha Bobbillooly”. And to top it all off, you have an illegal immigrant getting paid $2.37 an hour, just salivating at the opportunity to clear isle 5 of all birthing fluids.
All this while having the distinct pleasure of getting to listen to the Wal-Mart exclusive Larry the Cable Guy Christmas album entitled, “Get-R-Done, Baby Jesus!”
The whole delivery would cost less than $17. What more could you ask for? I’m going to have all my babies delivered at Wal-Mart.
