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I know I’m about 7 months early, but I’m so excited that I couldn’t wait any longer to announce the 1st annual Easter Egg Hunt for Homeless Kids on Saturday April 11, 2009 at 10:30 PM. I’m doing it Saturday night so that I can sleep in Sunday morning and wake up to make myself chocolate chip pancakes without having to worry about a bunch of kids waiting for me. I won’t be celebrating Easter, as I’m a Jew, but I feel like I have an obligation to those who are less fortunate than Jews, and to a lesser extent, the rest of society. I decided to have the hunt take place at 10:30 PM so that I’ll have time to have myself a couple of fruity alcoholic beverages afterwards to celebrate my goodheartedness. Also, Easter in 2009 lies on my birthday, so I need to keep my options open in case anyone wants to take me out for cake and chocolate milk.
The Easter Egg Hunt will begin inside of a tunnel underneath a bridge in Central Park in NYC. I’m not giving the specific location because I figure that if you can’t find the starting point of the hunt, you most certainly aren’t going to be smart enough to find the winning egg.
I will hide eggs under cars, inside of abandoned and occupied crack-houses, in sewage pipes, in bowls of dog food left for stray Pitbulls, in dumpsters, wells, hooker’s purses, and other fun places around town.
This will be an especially fun Easter Egg Hunt because there will be not 1, but 2 winning eggs. Whenever an egg is found, it should be cracked open without hesitation. One of the winning eggs will have a live baby chicken inside of it. The prize for finding this egg will be a new pet baby chicken. The other eggs will contain egg. These eggs must be eaten right away. The winning egg will be the one that does not contain salmonella. I will know who wins by eliminating all the homeless kids who get violently ill. The champion egg finder will receive half of a turkey sandwich and the sweatpants that I’m wearing at this very moment. They’re almost new, except for a couple of small holes and a smell that I don’t particularly like, but to the winning child they will smell of victory and most certainly will be an improvement over whatever his or her current pants smell like.
I do not want people telling me how wonderful I am for doing this amazing deed for the kids of the street. The look on the face of the child who gets to eat my half-sandwich while wearing my sweatpants will be reward enough. And it feels good knowing that some lonely child will have the loyalty and companionship of an adorably little baby chicken.
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