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Random Videos
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I went to Marshall’s the other day to pick up some socks, and ended up waiting in line for close to 15 years because the guy in front of me happened to pick the only 3 items in the store with no tags on them, so they had to send some elderly retarded lady on a wild goose chase to find the prices. A few minutes passed before they sent someone after her. Was there a meeting at Marshall’s earlier in the day detailing the exact methods that would be used to steal my soul? Of course there was only one line open, so I was forced to endure this excruciatingly long game of autistic capture the flag. While I was waiting, an apparently motherless child wandered into the adjacent register booth. The cashier flipped out and yelled at the little mongrel’s grandmother because something might fall on the child’s giant head and that he could get hurt. The same thing was said to Jason’s momma on Thursday the 12th, and we all know how that turned out. This kid seriously had the most giant, indestructible head I’ve ever seen on a kid. They could use his head as a wrecking ball to smash run down crackhouses used by prostitutes and homeless squatters. I feel bad for whatever poor item happens to fall on this baby monster’s cranium, although being at Marshall’s, they could just discount it a bit and mark it damaged. I also feel bad for the child’s mother if she didn’t have a c-section, and I imagine his father most likely cries himself to sleep every night.
I had to send a Money Gram payment to take care of a bill today, which meant having to deal with both Wal-Mart and my auto insurance phone douchebags at the same time.
About 14 seconds after entering the store I got a real bad case of the vertigo, and my stomach starting hurting like after you eat Mouse and Hamster Poison. And I’m not talking about good, pure Mouse and Hamster Poison. I’m talking about Mouse and Hamster Poison that you’d get at Wal-Mart, mixed and diluted with oatmeal, cough syrup, gunpowder, and Tang, which creates a gumbo-like constancy requiring you to serve the Mouse and Hamster Poison in proper soup bowls.
I felt like I was being eaten alive from the inside out by a rabid Wolverine while having to watch a live web-cam with sound transmitting from the lunchroom of a suburban police department, with my eyeball propped open forcing me to watch them eat their roast beef on white bread sandwiches while they talked about a broad assortment of topics, ranging from baseball and football, to pulling over hot chicks and making them show their boobs to get out of a ticket.
I’m giving myself a root canal right now with 2 pencils and a hammer and all I can think about is how ecstatic I am that I’m not in Wal-Mart.
At the movie theatre earlier today I was at the front of the line to get some nachos and a soda when I noticed a blind woman with her mentally challenged friend, and they were having a tough time making it to the front of the line for some reason. So listening to my finely tuned moral compass, I decided I could wait an extra minute or two for my nachos in order to let them pass in front of me. The man behind me commented that what I did was nice and I mentioned that it’s not like I couldn’t miss a preview.
This experience put me smack dab in the middle of one the most long-standing and heated debates today regarding whether or not people with mental and certain other disabilities should be allowed at the movies. I can understand both sides of the argument.
Upon entering the movie I was startled to find that I missed the first 30 seconds of the movie. Those who argue against them being allowed at the movies would have a valid argument that if they weren’t there, I would have easily made the beginning of the movie. They would also argue that there are already movies made for blind people. It’s called the radio.
My beliefs on this subject lean towards allowing them to go the movies, but during certain time blocks, like say…on Tuesday from noon to 4. That seems like a win-win for everybody involved, and being able to solve the problem without being unfair to anyone makes me feel good on the inside, and I like that feeling.
During that time frame you could have 3 parking spaces per vehicle, which would allow for efficient parking of quite a few little yellow buses. Complimentary pudding wouldn’t be the worst idea either.
I think it makes sense to warn people when there may be special people at the movies. Maybe a scrolling bar across the TV screen like when there’s a tornado warning. Possibly the people who run the Amber Alert System will selflessly share their technology and we can kill two disabled birds with one stone.
Either way, this debate isn’t likely to go away anytime soon. Like abortion, Gun control, and women in the Olympics, this ultra-politically charged subject will most likely remain unresolved for years to come.
Here is but a sampling of some strange accidents that I’ve had:
I was eating a Jalapeno Popper that I had just taken out of the oven. I didn’t let them cool down, thus they were still scalding hot. I eagerly took a bite into one of them, causing it to burst with the cheese-lava spattering onto my chin. I yelped in pain as my chin started sizzling. You could smell the sweet combination of cream cheese, Jalapeno, and flesh. There was a red burn mark on my chin for a couple of weeks.
While riding my bike up a hill, I was distracted daydreaming about something, more than likely involving juggling monkeys. Obviously not paying attention at all, I rode my bike right into a car. A parked car. A parked car with people inside of it. A parked car facing my direction with the people in it looking right at me and seeing the whole thing. Seeing me end up upside down on my bike. Usually I can play things off pretty well, but there really wasn’t much I could say in that particular situation. I did the only thing I could think of, which was to get up, not say anything pretending like nothing just happened and ride off.
When I was a tiny little Jew, I was warming myself after coming home from skiing. Getting a tad bit too close to the fireplace, I ended up getting a nice chunky grill mark burnt right onto my little behind.
When I was delivering a pizza, I knocked over a stop sign while being distracted by a bikini girl. In my defense, the stop sign was in the middle of the road, not on the side of it, so I never actually left the road. But, on the other hand, it’s not like the sign was invisible…
With bills out of control, I got an advance from work to try and catch up a little bit. I went straight to the horse track and lost all the money. On the way home I totaled my car.
As a teenager I used to get bloody noses really easily. When I was in 6th grade, we were about to take a test that I really wanted to avoid. I punched myself in the nose and told the teacher that I was about to get a bloody nose and that I should go to the nurse. She didn’t believe me so I bled on the floor. She then sent me to the nurse. Go me!
I was walking around the corner at work and fell. This was when I was larger, so the fall was reminiscent of the giant Imperial Walkers in Return of the Jedi, falling to the ground after getting caught in a trap set by one of those pesky Ewoks. It was the most awkward fall ever in the long illustrious history of falls. It happened in slow motion and if my memory serves me right I think there was even a music score. The whole time I was falling I was praying that nobody was watching. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes. As I hit the ground with an earth rattling thump, I quickly looked up. OH NO! Jane was sitting a mere 5 feet from the scene of the accident. She didn’t even look up. Amazing. How could she have possibly missed it? Was she was deaf. Had I been working with a lip reader all this time without knowing it? I didn’t think so, but now I wasn’t so sure. I wiped my brow in relief. No one had seen me. As I picked myself up, I saw the one thing I had hoped to avoid. Down the hall, Paul was staring right at me with the biggest Cheshire Cat grin you’d ever want to punch off someones smug face. I knew from that moment on that I’d never hear the end of this story. I haven’t. But he was once repeatedly bitten by a large rat, so I can always bring that up.
I have some questions for any really stupid people who are reading this right now (or more likely having it read to them).
How do you manage to get through the day? Do you have some secret bag of tricks that you use to complete basic tasks (things!)? Is there a song that you sing when you tie your shoelaces each morning? What goes through your mind when you realize (find out!) that you don’t understand the words coming out of people’s mouths and the sentences those words create? Do you require (need!) less sleep without all those brain cells needing rest? Are your parents stupid like you suggesting a genetic (your parents!) link? If not, are you mad at them, or do you suspect that you’re adopted (not theirs!)?
Oh, and most importantly…why did you have me meet with your leader today? Did I do something to offend (make you mad!) your kind? If so, I apologize (I’m sorry!).
I’m just curious. You stupid people seem to be all over the place as I can’t seem to go anywhere without bumping into some of you. I just want a little glimpse (look inside!) into your world. So if you could just grab the person who turned on the computer (shiny thing in front of you!) that you’re reading this on and have them type your response (answer!), I would be greatly appreciative (happy!).
Thanks in advance, stupid people
- Jesse
If anyone has seen the movie Radio and is wondering where Radio is working now, the answer is at Wendy’s. Radio was the classic film that saw Cuba Gooding Jr. stretch his acting abilities to play a retarded guy who helps a football team develop some character and unite as one race, the human race. Even though Cuba Gooding Jr. plays retarded characters in most of his movies, such as the retarded cowboy he played with Crocodile Dundee, and the retarded sled dog racer in Snow Dogs, and the retarded football player he played in Jerry McGuire, I never thought I he could pull off a retarded football team’s assistant. Brilliant.
I also thought I was never going to receive my change at Wendy’s. After handing him the bill, he held it in the air as if he was checking for watermarks to ensure that I wasn’t paying for my chicken nuggets with counterfeit currency. But he just held the bill up in the air for about a minute before yelling out “20! 20 DOLLARS!!” Fantastic. Now that we’ve established that, maybe we could get around to the cumbersome task of choosing a sauce. Before we could get to work on that project, he started running around bumping into things behind the counter like an epileptic talking pinball. 10-to-1 odds say he loses an ear in the fry percolator within the month. The manager was quite amusing as well. His blue managerial shirt made him way to precocious considering he had 17 different types of ACNE decorating the puffy skin adorning his skull.
My creepy doll collection has another addition as I found a stumpy-legged doll being held hostage behind a storefront window in Boston that sold witching goods.
This balding man was working at a kiosk at the mail that sold hair products. I do believe that this is the very same company that hired Helen Keller to sell Blue Blockers.
Brazil recently sent its first man into space yesterday. Starting small, the astronaut landed on the top of the country’s tallest tree, at which point he kicked a soccer ball that fell all the way down to Earth. By 2009 the space program hopes to land a man on the mountain.
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