Thing 1

Today I saw a woman with the most gigantic ass I’ve ever seen on a mammal. It was as if she stuffed her jeans with 2 fully grown pheasants. She has to be the only person that’s taller when she’s sitting than when she’s standing up.

Thing 2

Yesterday at a dinner party there was a girl who had the most horrifying laugh I’ve ever heard. It was like a laughing hyena had a baby with a crack whore. After she would laugh, she would choke. It was like god was trying to teach her a lesson. The laugh was so incredibly painful. I’d seriously rather get a root canal, rabies shots, and have someone with Parkinsons and sandpaper gloves give me a rectal exam than have to listen to that laugh. I tried to kill myself 3 times during dinner. The first time I tried to overdose on pain meds, but she laughed and I vomited them back up. The second time I tried slitting my wrists, but her laugh created a thick scaly rash all over my skin that served as a patch over my would be death wound. The final time I tried jumping from the roof, but my temporary insanity blinded me to the fact that I was jumping from a 1-story house, so I just sprained my ankle and cried myself to sleep in my neighbor’s back yard.

4 Things

1

Someone said to me today that there is nothing worse than a Summer cold. I politely beg to differ. The top 2 things on my list of things that are worse than a Summer cold are, not in any particular order, mouth syphilis, and people who say really f@cking stupid things.

2

I accidentally dropped my Chapstick in the toilet and didn’t want it to go to waste so I pulled it out of the toilet, dried it off with my blowdryer, and gave it to homeless person. How perfect in that I’ve given someone the cure for chapped lips and in all likelihood, the fresh urine scent will be a vast improvement over the aged urine scent that homeless lips usually smell like. Go me!

3

A radio commercial used the phrase – a crack or dent in my windshield –

I mistakenly thought they said - a crack whore dented my windshield –

Is that like the most hilarious mix up you’ve ever heard of in your whole life or what!? The people who made the commercial should really consider changing it because when I heard about what the crack whore had done, I was truly interested to see what would happen next. For a brief moment I was enthralled. If it turns out that the next thing that happens after your windshield gets walloped by a bitter crack whore who is upset that you didn’t pay her the agreed upon 8 dollars is that Papi Glass fixes your windshield, that might not be bad advertising. If during the next day I have some homeless guy put a hole in my windshield with his chapstick, I would probably think to myself call Papi Glass, look at how they fixed that windshield busted up by that crack whore.

For

There was a big lightning storm yesterday and Wal-Mart went on lockdown mode, not allowing anyone to leave, and someone I know was one of the unlucky people stuck inside. I’d seriously rather get trapped inside a 10-foot wide hairy yeasty hippie-vagina than be stuck inside of Wal-Mart. To your left you’d have greeters trying to start conversations with you, and to your right you’d have some 15 year-old trailer park princess who didn’t know she was pregnant pop out 6 or 7 babies right on the floor. You would have no choice but to speak to the 106 year-old half-retarded hunchback or you’d end up slipping and falling face first into a puddle of newborn baby fluids. At least they sell guns if the lockdown goes on for more than 3 or 4 minutes and you just want to end it all.

Yesterday I stopped at a store to pick up a water gun to use in training my new kittens to not hop on the coffee table. An employee offered to help and when I told her what the gun was for she started offering all sorts of advice I would expect from a decapitated retarded donkey corpse. She mentioned that maybe a paper bag would scare him, which was very helpful as we all know how much kittens hate playing with crinkled up paper bags. I’m surprised she didn’t ask if they were neutered so that she could advise me to use my fingers to pinch their testicles whenever they hopped on the table.

At one point she said “Oh, kittens, they’re the ones who lift their legs when the go…(she lifted her leg slightly as she said this) Oh…wait a second…those are dogs! I’ve never had any cats or dogs.” Yeah… you not ever owning a pet explains why you’re dumber than an empty hermit crab shell.I do believe that I had the great fortune to run into the one person who has heard the following phrase during an interview at Wall-Mart “I’m sorry, but we find you under-qualified to be a greeter.”

speaking of which…

I took this picture at the bookstore. I thought it very kind of them to add a new section for various types of pussies.

Thing Uno

Yesterday I ran into an 80 year-old lady whose cell phone ringtone was Justin Timberlake’s “Bringing Sexy Back”, which resulted in me Bringing Breakfast Back. Back up through my windpipe and onto the snow covered concrete below. The smell of green eggs and bile on the dirty ground smelled noticeably better than the mixture of Ben Gay and Rue McClanahan inspired perfume that she was wearing.

Thing Dos

The toilet broke at work and a Russian Roto Rooter guy showed up to fix the mess. He kept coming up front to complain about how difficult the job was and to try and find out who made the mess. Now, I feel bad that you have to clean the mess, but I didn’t force you to work for Roto Rooter, and it shouldn’t be a complete surprise that if do in fact choose to make that your occupation, that you’ll occasionally have to unclog a toilet or two. He insisted on showing us how he had to get the “obstruction” out and would ask us if we wanted to see. It turned out that someone had flushed a Tampex (yes, he told us the brand) tampon down the toilet, which was fantastic as it eliminated me as a suspect.

Thing Très

The toilet clogged again and I went next door to AAA to see if we could borrow a plunger, as we had none. The typical 2 hours it takes for them to respond to a road emergency made much more sense after waiting 15 minutes for them to locate their plunger.

Thing Quatro

A new study has been done to find out why it is considered gross to kiss your sister. Did someone actually spend money to conduct this study? Without being a scientist, I can say with complete confidence that the reason it’s gross to kiss your sister is, well…BECAUSE SHE’S YOUR SISTER! Freaking morons. Unless you live in West Virginia, in which case if you asked someone why it’s gross to kiss your sister, the response would be “don’t you be talkin’ bout my wife like that”.

Thing Cinco

I saw an infomercial for Hip Hop Abs. It sounds like fun, but I’m not exactly sure how you can get six-pack abs by drinking Cavarsiar and smoking blunts.