On a special day, not too long ago, a woman gave birth in Wal-Mart. What a heartwarming way to be welcomed into this wondrous world of ours. I can only begin to imagine all the spellbinding and historic things this magical baby has in front of him. Oh…to witness such a precious gift being given to the world. The only thing better would be if the baby also happened to be delivered on Christmas. What a perfect place to deliver a baby. You have discounted knives in the sporting goods department, which would be perfect to cut the umbilical cord. You have giant colorful moo-moos in the ladies department, which could double as a perfectly fitted hospital gown. You have the plastic white trash Budweiser kiddie pools in case you want an underwater birth. The kitchen department has readily available cutting boards and tiny shrimp gutting knives for the circumcision and the owner of the store may or may not be present which would provide the Jew to conduct the ceremony. The professional photographer could be paged to the delivery to get some close-up shots of the baby’s deformed head with bulging eyeballs as his first sight in this world is the big President’s Day sale display of Paris Hilton’s bestselling novel entitled “No really, i AM smartur than Anna Nicole”. The post-surgical meal would be a scrumptious combination of Spam sandwiches, not-so-kosher hot dogs, expired tuna mixed with white ice cream, and a big mug filled with Sam’s Soda. The dyslexic returns department could write out the most authentic Percocet prescriptions. You have dozens of half-retarded spectators to cheer on the half-retarded delivery team. It could be the pilot episode of A&E’s new hit reality show “The Down Syndrome Doctors”, which will be airing every Monday at 10 following the story of an up-and-coming bowling alley being run by Jeff Gillooly and John Bobbitt called “Betcha Bobbillooly”. And to top it all off, you have an illegal immigrant getting paid $2.37 an hour, just salivating at the opportunity to clear isle 5 of all birthing fluids.

The whole delivery would cost less than $17. What more could you ask for? I’m going to have all my babies delivered at Wal-Mart.

After years and years of painstaking research, utilizing various research tools such as placebos and double-blind phone surveys, I have come to 5 conclusions:

5 - Walking by a storefront in Chinatown that has skinned chickens hanging in the window, and saying “Aflac” in the same funny voice as #4, is truly one of the funniest things ever.

I was at a giant liquor store yesterday and I came across this JewBeer. Their mascot is a scary Green Goblin Jew. He’s going to be the villain in Spider Man 4. He flies through the air on a jet propelled Yarmulke while shooting Matzah-Ball Bombs and punishing Spidey with his New York Style Bagel Gun which shoots Dreidle-Tipped Bullets. I hope the Web Slinger comes ready for a fight, cause this time it’s Kosher.

I ran into someone named Bambi the other day and it turns out that Bambi was her real name. What could possibly possess a parent to name their child Bambi? Did they put a pole in her crib? As a toddler, would she walk around in 6 inch clear pumps with a little Nemo swimming around the heel? Did she play Nine Inch Nails for her while she was in the womb? Now, I understand that some strippers use fake names such as Lexus, Sapphire, and Nikki, because strippers named Marge Finklestein don’t separate men from their wads of singles crumpled up in their pockets. If you want your child to grow up to be something respectable like a doctor or a politician, you should name them something boring such as Condoleeza, or Frank. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times…No woman named Frank will ever be a stripper. She may work at a deli, but she won’t be beating meat in a sexy nurse outfit (get it? Beating meat?). If you name your child after a precious stone then by the time she’s 18 she’ll be collecting her paycheck in her thong. It’s not often that you hear someone say “Hi hot stuff. My name is Candy and I’m going to be your gastroenterologist. O’mygod, that’s like so many syllables! I’m going to…like, fix your stomach or something! So, do you come here often? Wanna buy me a drink while I have my helper person take your blood pressure? Put some big bills on the gurney if you want some hot scalpel action and keep the tips coming.”

Cast:

(I can’t make this stuff up people…well, I can…but I didn’t)

Direct from the website where these precious little critters are sold.

Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach Brooch

A little information on our little friends. These insects come in varied patterns and are decorated with the finest Austrian Swarovski crystal. Each roach takes about an hour of painstaking work to achieve his final magical glory. All roaches are male to ensure sterility, and come complete with a leash set. This consists of a gorgeous pin you attach to your clothing with a chain that clasps to the cockroach’s carapace to keep him from running amok. The lifespan of these animals is approximately one year if housed and fed properly. This is not a guarantee, it is an estimate. Roaches love fresh bananas and must have access to fresh water at all times, a very damp paper towel or cotton ball will do the trick. Dehydration is the main cause of death. Keep him in a little terrarium in the dark and he will love you and be very responsive to your touch. Roaches are shipped overnight in a box and can be kept in this box for up to 4 days without food or water while you secure him more hospitable accommodations.