STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) — Swedish authorities say parents can now name their newborns “Budweiser” or “Metallica” if they so wish.

I guess it makes sense, being that both would be instrumental in the making of the tiny little future serial killer/church arsonist.

For decades, Swedish tax authorities had banned parents from naming their children after fast food chains, rock bands or their favorite brand of beer.

Those laws were created after the country’s embarrassment in the 1976 Olympics after the Swede’s silver medal volleyball duo of Schlitz Koontz and AC/DC Baarg showed up to the finals absolutely trashed and they both were wearing overalls and spitting chew all over the sandy court.

But tax authority spokesman Lars Tegenfeldt says the guidelines have been relaxed. He says “there is nothing negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald’s today. In the 1970s, maybe it was.”

There wasn’t much of a stigma with Coke during the 70s, but people apparently weren’t as open to soft drinks and clowns.

Still, authorities are drawing the line at giving children swear words for names. And forget about naming your child God, Allah or Devil.

I seriously hope that they were responding to a question such as “do you like whip cream on your latte?”, “Do you understand the rights I’ve just read to you?”, or “Do you have crabs in your beard?”

Cyndi and Joseph exchanged wedding vows Wednesday at the North Kingstown shop where they had met.

I could meet my future wife on the bus, but that doesn’t mean that I would demand that my wedding guests neither shower nor brush their teeth for a week before the big day on #168 Ruggles Station Outbound. Nor would I demand that they invade my privacy, talk on their Bluetooth headset, and sneeze on me during the ceremony performed by a Ralph Kramden lookalike with a thick Boston accent.

Marjorie, the baker, made the food. Faraq, the shop’s owner, greeted customers with a simple question: “Coffee or the wedding?” A former probate judge conducted the ceremony. The shop’s regulars served as the witnesses.

I’ve been to many coffee shops and the regulars usually consist of a couple of smelly homeless people and an employee’s truant boyfriend. As far as I can tell, the only purpose of the boyfriend is to ensure that my order takes as long as humanly possible and gets done so mindnumbingly incorrect that figuring it all out would require one of the equations written on the blackboards from Good Will Hunting.

“I had the privilege of knowing Joe and Cyndi before they met,” Mohamed said. “I watched as they fell in love.”

I once watched a Chinese guy walk into the subway with a string of snot hanging from his nose and to this day it still gives me nightmares.

Cyndi has been coming to the shop for years. Joseph, 58, who works at Kingstown Mobile Home Park, started coming when his niece worked behind the counter.

He must have been so proud, seeing his niece work her way out of the trailer park. With his new hookup he must have felt like a king being able to drink iced coffee like the uppity city folk.

“I saw this good-looking guy standing up there,” Cyndi said. “He was a country-looking guy, the type I look for, the Grizzly Adams type.”

Hacksaw Jim Duggan?

Does she make him dress like Paul Bunyan while she rides him like Babe the Blue Ox?

But they didn’t really fall in love until they helped Mohamed with an errand a few weeks ago. Two days later, Smith asked her to marry him. They picked out rings last week.

He got a glazed ring and her’s was a limited edition gingerbread ring.

They thought about having the ceremony on the beach, but decided it was too cold. The doughnut shop is a casual place where most of their friends hang out anyway, so it was a perfect fit.

Much like the condoms their parents wore were “perfect fits”.

“I don’t even own a dress,” LaRose said.

Yeah, it’s not like that’s something that people typically go out and buy when they get married. And are you telling me that Wal-Mart doesn’t sell dresses? They probably have one that comes with a diaper bag.

“You couldn’t get me in a tie,” Smith said.

Cuffs are another story altogether.

The couple planned to spend a Thanksgiving weekend honeymoon at a Connecticut casino.

For the love of god…please, I live in Connecticut. There has to be some way for you to lose your beer and rent money in Rhode Island.

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NASHVILLE, Tennessee (AP) — Brushing three times a day is a tough task, especially if you’re roughing it in the mountains of Afghanistan or in the Iraqi desert.

Interesting that this article was written in Tennessee. I’m not so certain that brushing three times a day happens too often there either. Maybe three times a month.

So goes the logic behind a recent endeavor by Army and civilian scientists — combat gum for soldiers too busy to brush.

It’s nice to know that our nation’s top scientists have so much free time on their hands. I must have missed the memo that we found a cure for cancer.

The gum, described at the American Association of Pharmaceutical Scientists convention this week in Nashville, would contain a special bacteria-fighting agent to prevent plaque, cavities and gum disease.

Too bad it couldn’t make people smarter. I’d walk up and down the street jamming it into people’s stupid gaping pie-holes.

Soldiers in the field often lack the necessary time and means to brush and floss. Compounding the problem is the stress of combat, which can encourage bacterial growth in the mouth, said Col. Dennis Runyan, commander of the Army Dental and Trauma Research Detachment in Great Lakes, Illinois.

That’s a whole lotta complicated words to say that army folk have breath with the stopping power of a barrel full of anthrax.

Gum was considered an ideal solution because the Army already issues gum to soldiers in their field rations.

It’s sad that common sense with government related issues is strictly limited to gum and perhaps taffy.

Dr. Patrick DeLuca, a University of Kentucky drug product developer, is working to perfect the prototype, trying to make it taste better and ensure that it retains its flavor and bacteria-fighting ability for 30 minutes to an hour.

They seriously need to sell this technology to Hubba Bubba. You’re lucky if you still have a smidgeon of bubble gum flavor left after 60 seconds.

Once the development stage is complete sometime within the next year, scientists will begin testing the gum, possibly with Army units.

That means that they’re going to have soldiers not brush their teeth for at least a few weeks while they test the gum. Talk about weapons of mass destruction.

If the Army decides to pursue the idea, it will probably team up with a manufacturer to produce the gum. The Army has been talking to companies like chewing gum giant Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co., Runyan said.

They’d be stupid to not go with Bazooka. They could then try to start recruiting kids with messages in the little cartoons. They could have the scientists come up with something catchy. They’ll have lots of time since they successfully tackled the gum project.

Runyan said he hopes to see a finished product available within four years.

Cannibal Holocaust? I Spit on Your Grave? Necromantic? Throw Mama from the Train?

The teacher, whose identity has not been released, showed “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” in his class at Tates Creek High School in Lexington, WLKY NewsChannel 32 reported Thursday.

Maybe the teacher should be commended if he was in fact trying to show the benefits of human partners in an effort to pry kids away from the unconditional love provided by warm local chicken butts.

A spokesman for Fayette County Public Schools said the movie was not in Spanish.

In Kentucky you get an A+ in Spanish if you can pronounce Fajita with a silent J. The class is taught by the Taco Bell Chiwawa.

Since the movie is R-rated, it was not supposed to have been shown to anyone under 17 not accompanied by a parent or guardian, WLKY reported.

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. (AP)

Thank goodness, I was getting tired of doing posts about people from Kentucky. And I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall during the town counsel meeting where they decided that if Philadelphia and Arkansas had a little bastard baby, it would be called Arkadelphia, and that would be the name of their 12 family trailer park.

–Sometimes a chicken does have lips, just not her own. Marian Morris saved her brother’s exotic chicken, Boo Boo, by administering “mouth-to-beak” resuscitation on the fowl after it was found floating face down in the family’s pond.

What kind of name for an exotic chicken is Boo Boo. Boo Boo sounds like a retarded cow, or a retarded ghost. An exotic chicken should be named something exotic like Bubbles, or Shaniqua. It also helped that a family pond in Arkansas consists of a plastic children’s Dukes of Hazard wading pool or a spit-can.

Morris, a retired nurse, said she hadn’t had any practice with CPR in years, but that she was interested to see if she “still had it.”

Does that mean she wanted to see if she could still make a dead chicken come to life with a wiggle of her jiggly country ass and a little tongue action from her hot Vaseline coated lips?

“I breathed into its beak, and its dad-gum eyes popped open,” Morris said. “I breathed into its beak again, and its eyes popped open again. “I said, ‘I think this chicken’s alive now. Keep it warm.’”

I actually won my 5th grade spelling bee with the word dad-gum. Some other words I correctly spelled on my path to glory were dog-nabbit, jumpin-jahoosephats, hooooooeeeey, and Listerine.

Morris said she was pleased to find that the bird she saved was an “exotic,” and not just an ordinary chicken.

Ordinary chickens aren’t as “grateful”, and don’t go out of their way to “return the favor”. Exotic chickens on the other hand give some of the best lap dances you’d ever want to get from poultry.

The chicken is called Boo Boo, because she is easily frightened. The family thought Boo Boo was startled and flopped into the pond.