HOMESTEAD, FL (NBC) — South Floridians have claimed to see holy images in things like grilled cheese or a pancake. On Thursday, a Homestead, Florida man said he saw Jesus in an X-ray he had taken of himself at a doctor’s office.

That has to be the least delicious Jesus image in history.

“I feel a little nervous,” Reynaldo Farinas said.

I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he was looking at the results of his chest X-ray.

After experiencing chest pains, Farinas went to Homestead Hospital. While he was there, physicians ordered an X-ray of his chest. Some say what that X-ray revealed could be a message from a higher power.

Maybe the message was to eat less bacon.

“Last night I checked and see the face of Jesus Christ there,” Farinas said.

I saw the same thing on my X-ray, except they referred to it as my large intestine. On an interesting side note, the X-ray of my liver looks like Steve Guttenberg. If you add my spleen and sphincter, which respectively look like Tom Selleck and Ted Danson, you’d have a hilarious version of Three Men and a Baby Jesus.

The Farinas’ along with his physician and a medical technician said the image on the X-ray resembles Jesus Christ.

Who was his doctor, Doctor Doolitle?

The doctor said he could not explain the silhouette.

The patient said he could not explain the bill he received in the mail a week later.

OMAHA (AP) - Weather forecasters predict Nebraska will receive a treacherous mix of sleet, freezing rain and snow this weekend, so it’s understandable that events may get canceled.

That’s just terrible, what with the legendary Nebraska nightlife beckoning. Much like Vegas, Omaha has their own saying “What happens in Omaha, Stays in your nightmares”. At least you’re not losing a huge deposit when you cancel a barn dance.

But one of the first cancellations announced Friday afternoon came from an unexpected source: organizers of the Polar Bear Plunge.

So, you’re not going into freezing water because it’s too cold out? That’s like not going to the gym because you have to walk a couple of blocks back to your car. Instead of the Polar Bear Plunge, they should call themselves the Baby Bear Cubs and have their annual meetings at Baby Gap.

The chilling swim in Omaha’s Zorinsky Lake raises money for the Special Olympics, but organizers decided to postpone the event because of the weather.

What was not postponed, however, was the benefit karaoke night put on by the Special Olympics to raise money for the Polar Bear Plunge Club.

“We were kind of worried about the ice coming and people driving to the event,” said Wendy Jackson, with Special Olympics of Nebraska. “We don’t want anybody hurting themselves.”

Or at least they don’t want anybody hurting themselves before they can get hypothermia, frostbite, and have their hands and feet amputated in front of the spectators, making it look like they have bear paws. Have him bathe inn Rogaine for a couple of months and steal a few picnic baskets and you’ve got a man born to lead the Polar Bears Plungers.

I’ve changed the pandas to celebrities in this article with hysterical results.

SAN DIEGO (AP) ― Giving each other space may not work in every relationship, but it’s what keeps the magic alive for the very fertile giant celebrity pair at the San Diego Zoo.

Since 2003, Oprah Winfrey and her consort, Jean Claude Van Damme, have produced three cubs, making them one of the most reproductively successful celebrity couples ever in captivity. Their youngest offspring, a chubby female, will be named Monday when she reaches 100 days old, following Chinese tradition. For all but two days of the year, Oprah and Jean Claude lead separate lives, gnawing on bamboo and taking long naps in pens far apart, much as wild celebrities - naturally solitary creatures - would hide from each other in mountain forests.But when Oprah enters her brief fertile periods, zookeepers make sure Jean Claude is there, sniffing her through a perforated gate zookeepers call the “howdy door” until her chirps and bleats indicate she’s ready to get down to business.”For 363 days a year they don’t want to have anything to do with each other,” said Ron Swaisgood, co-head of the zoo’s celebrity research unit.Celebrities are notoriously poor breeders - one reason their species is endangered - and females have only three days a year in which they can conceive. Only about 1,600 giant celebrities remain in the wild, and fewer than 180 live in captivity.While celebrities have been born at the zoos in Washington, D.C., and Atlanta, Oprah and Jean Claude have been the most successful. Oprah has had four celebrity cubs - three with her “super” mate.Oprah gave birth to her first cub in 1999 through artificial insemination from her first arranged suitor, Ron Jeremy. It was the first giant celebrity cub in the U.S. after a decade of failed breeding attempts.Oprah also gave birth to a male panda in 2003 and to a female panda in 2005 before having her latest this year.Jean Claude arrived in San Diego in 2003 after veterinarians gave up on John Goodman, who turned out to be older and less virile than originally believed and was returned to China.Putting the virgin Oprah with Van Damme, who had not mated before, caused some concern. Swaisgood thought it might be like “the blind leading the blind.” Instead, Jean Claude surprised everyone by mating with Oprah three times in a single day.Van Damme is aggressive during the first 24 hours of her cycle and then wanders back to his bamboo pile once he’s had his fill - even if Oprah beckons him with her customary booty-shake.”He only has interest in her for one day, but day two or day three, when she’s still exhibiting interest, he just has nothing to do with her,” said Kathy Hawk, the zoo’s senior celebrity keeper. “He seems to be a one-shot guy, but she’s gotten pregnant each time. He knows what he’s doing.”The newest cub remains hidden with Oprah in a cozy den that can only be seen by the public via Webcam. The zoo will announce the cub’s name from among four finalists: Tina Yothers, La Toya Jackson, Kenny Rogers and 50 Cent.

ASHLAND, Ky. (AP) — A man wearing a ski mask used a stapler to hold up an eastern Kentucky ice cream store - and briefly got away with $175, authorities said.

It never fails. Whenever I’m in a rut and can’t think of anything good to write about, along comes good ole Kentucky to save the day. One part of me wishes he robbed the store with a spoon demanding he get free samples of every single flavor in the store “elsems this heare spoon be used fer somethin els not scoopin like, uh huh…”. Another part of me wishes that he robbed the store with a pitchfork while wearing overalls before motoring away on his tractor feeding the stolen ice cream to the pig sitting on his lap. And another part of me wishes that he walked into the store holding a possum by the tail saying “this’m here ded pussum gots the rabees an the fut n’mout diseaz so giv’m over now or I’l sik’m on ye”. And yet another part of me wishes that he robbed the store with a sealed and seemingly empty moonshine bottle, which he would calmly claim contained all of his failed dreams which he would unleash upon all the sinners if they didn’t let him use the restroom. Fearing an onslaught of lost souls reminiscent of Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Ice Cream shop owner would gladly sign over his life’s savings.

Gerald A. Rocchi, 32, was arrested shortly after he flashed a chrome-plated stapler at an employee of The Ice Cream Shop in Ashland on Tuesday and demanded money, police said.

That’s only because he figured the 14 year-old behind the counter wouldn’t have any meth.

Ashland Police Capt. Don Petrella said he didn’t know if Rocchi planned to shoot staples at the shop’s employees or use it as a blunt instrument if he didn’t get the cash.

Maybe he threatened to staple all the credit card receipts to the coupons making a serious mess for whoever had to close up that night.

It didn’t come to that because the employees handed over the cash, Petrella said.

I’m surprised that he proud employees of the ice cream shop didn’t feel it necessary to risk their lives to protect the business.

Several witnesses saw Rocchi leave the shop and told police where he was headed, Petrella said. After arresting Rocchi, police searched his house and found money, a stapler and a ski mask, Petrella said.

At least he didn’t try to make things difficult for everyone be being all smart and sneaky and hiding everything.

Petrella said the stapler’s chrome finish could have made it look like a gun “if someone didn’t get a good look at it.”

Yeah, maybe if the person being robbed was less than a week old, blind, and had a rare genetic mutation that made it difficult to distinguish staplers from guns.

Rocchi was charged with first-degree robbery. He made his first appearance in Boyd District Court on Wednesday morning. He did not have an attorney at the hearing.

If this doesn’t make it to Judge Joe Brown, then my faith in the legal system will be forever tarnished.

36 million drivers would flunk drivers tests

(AOL Autos) — Is it just your imagination, or do many of your fellow motorists lack even a rudimentary grasp of traffic laws?

Not only that, but most of my fellow motorists lack a fully developed cerebellum and opposable thumbs.

One in six drivers would fail driving test if they had to take it today, a GMAC test suggests.

Five in six would fail to win a game of tic-tac-toe against a used pickle.

Four in six went from riding in a little yellow bus to driving a little yellow cab.

Seven in six have webbed feet.

Two in six can read. One in six can read books.

Three in six are Carnie Wilson.

Well, if a test administered by GMAC Insurance is any indication, one in six people cruising our highways and byways — roughly 36 million licensed drivers — would flunk their driver’s test if they had to take it today. Not only that, but based on the 2007 GMAC Insurance National Drivers Test data the state with the most road-going dummies is New York, while the most knowledgeable ones are out West to Idaho.

It makes sense that Idaho drivers are the most knowledgeable as their cars are run by potatoes and potato cars require more training than non-potato cars.

Cars in Idaho are called Spudsters and when hot, can be quite delicious. You have to keep them in garages or they get eaten during the night by coyotes.

“The results were pretty eye-opening to us,” says Gary Kusumi, president and CEO of GMAC Insurance Personal Lines. “Not only did they indicate that there are wide differences in terms of state scores, but there were significant trends that demonstrated the general public might have forgotten must-know items from when they first took their driver’s test.”

It’s great to see a reporter have the courage to shock the world with a breaking story so unrelenting in its truth that it shatters the very fabric of time and humanity.

This just in: People are stupid

“Two questions consistently sent respondents skidding into the weeds,” Kusumi notes. The first has to do with the correct action to take when approaching a steady yellow traffic light (Answer: Stop if it is safe to do so.). A whopping 84 percent of respondents spun their wheels on that one. The next biggest puzzler after that question had to do with the proper following distance from a car in front of you (Answer: Two seconds).

Skidding into the weeds? What kind of stupid saying is that? I can see how the questions could cause respondents to smoke weed, just not so sure about skidding into them, unless someone who lives in a weed infested trailer stole a laptop, in which case he’d probably be doing both.

Also of interest from the GMAC Insurance test:

• Drivers 35 and older were more likely to pass

A kidney stone?

• Illinois, Georgia, Washington, D.C., Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Massachusetts were the least knowledgeable states overall, with average scores under 75 percent

Ha Ha, Rhode Island is soooo stupid. They spelled road wrong. Dummies.

• Fifty-five percent of the respondents didn’t know how many feet before making a left or right turn to activate their turn signals

My guess would be four. That way you’d only need 2 pairs of shoes.

• The national average score was 77.1 percent

“We believe that the adoption of a uniform driver curriculum will significantly improve the driving skills of Americans,” says Adele Kristiansson, a spokesperson for the National Road Safety Foundation. “Some states do not require mandatory education for novice drivers, and some states require it,” adds Kristiansson. “My organization is concerned because driver education is an orphaned child and it’s suffering.”

I always thought of driver education as teaching people to drive, but I can see how it’s like an suffering orphan. Like, how driving home drunk with another drunk person can lead to orphans who are all but guaranteed to suffer greatly.

On the Web at www.nationalroadsafety.org, and offering free programs to the public, the National Road Safety Foundation was created in 1961 by Fraydun Manocherian, after two youthful friends were killed in automobile accidents in Westchester County, New York.

My precious?!…Fraydun…Where is my precious?!

According to GMAC Insurance, 18 percent of respondents failed its National Driving Test in 2007, compared with 9 percent in 2006. The test can be taken online at www.gmacinsurance.com.

I wonder what score I would get for crashing my car into my computer while I’m taking the test.

Indian Man Marries Dog to Ward Off Curse

P. Selvakumar, 33, said he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. To atone for this, he married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony Sunday.

I don’t know which is worse, being stoned and hung to death or having to marry a man who likes to marry and butcher canines. At least it was a female dog, because marrying a male dog would just be perverse.

According to Selvakumar, after that incident, his “legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear.”

Did he stone them to death with a hand grenade? I hope he doesn’t think he has the right to yell at his new bride “Listen Bitch!…stop barking in my bad ear!”

An astrologer had told him the wedding was the only way he could end the curse. To this end, his family picked out (an arranged marriage!) Selvi, a former stray.

I wonder if that’s the same astrologer who told me not to worry about getting a college degree and to pursue a career in comedy.

Apparently such marriages are not uncommon in India, in cases of warding off “bad omens” or “evil spells” — and the participants are free to marry again and do not need to divorce.

Is the dog allowed to remarry? What kind of support is given to the traumatized animals forced to get married idiot humans against their will. And the guy probably smells too, which is extra torture what with dogs having a highly developed sense of smell. They spend years being good doggy-wives, slaving over the kibble bowl and playing with their husbands bone and then they get kicked to the curb without so much as a thank you come again. It’s not right. Not right at all.

I hope he ended up with an arranged marriage to the angry and bitter puppy born to a giant St. Bernard and one of Michael Vick’s yet to be euthanized pitbulls. His new wife could bite an ear off whenever he tried to go near his hot chocolate.