It has been brought to my attention that Tiger Penises have barbs on them (apparently I found that so impressive that I decided to capitalize the word penis). I didn’t believe the jibber jabber, so a Google search was done to prove me wrong. While learning the true extent of my wrongness, I found the existence of a Chinese aphrodisiac called Tiger Penis Wine. It turns me on just thinking about heating it up and dripping it in bad places.

I also found some alternate uses for Tiger parts.

1 - The tail can be ground and mixed with soap for applications as an ointment in the treatment of skin disease. The bones from the tip of the tail ward off evil.

2 - Crushed bone added to wine is an old Taiwanese general tonic.

3 - To cure a fever caused by ghosts, sit on a tiger skin. If used too often, you may turn into a tiger.

4 - Add honey to the gallstones and apply to abscesses on the hands and feet.

5 - The hair should be burnt to drive away centipedes.

6 - Mix the brain with oil, rub on your body and you will be cured of laziness & acne.

7 - Eyeballs rolled into pills are sure cure for convulsions.

8 - Whiskers should be kept as a charm for protection against bullets, and to give courage.

9 - Carry a claw in your pocket or wear it as a piece of jewelry and you will possess courage and be protected from sudden fright.

10 - Eat the heart to acquire strength, courage & cunning.

11 - Floating ribs should be carried as a good luck talisman.

12 - Use the penis as an aphrodisiac.

13 - To prevent a child from having convulsions, remove the small bones from the feet and tie them to the child’s wrists.

It also turns out that Whales have penises up to 10 feet long, which explains why they’re so peaceful. This also suggests multiple previously unknown uses for the blowhole. It also explains why John Candy got the hottest women. And Gorillas, which are violent and angry, have 3-inch penises. This information clears up the mystery of why Irish men drink so much and have such explosive tempers.

Speaking of pee shyness…

My worse case of pee shyness came when I was drug tested by the Volkswagen Dealership I used to work for. The woman standing with her ear to the bathroom door listening for pee fraud, or phraud, was the modern day twin of Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. This devious trick to try and make me pee illegal narcotics made me very uncomfortable. No matter how much I tried and tried, nothing was coming out, so I kept returning to the waiting area to drink water. It was really embarrassing. Eventually my bladder gave in and I filled the cup. I drank so much water that the test ended up being inconclusive and I ended up having to be tested again. Throughout the whole process I kept envisioning little Laura Ingalls taking my cup of watered down urine and running off through the woods back to the cabin going:

“Pa! Pa! He switched his urine with dog urine! He’s tainted the test Pa! Pa! He’s dirty! That man from the future just committed phraud!”

I picked up dinner recently at Kelly’s Roast Beef. I feel confident in saying that in my short life, I haven’t seen a nicer 500 gallon salt-water aquarium complete with sea anemones and tropical fish in any other establishment that specialized in sandwiches stuffed with roast beef. They also have a staggering amount of things you’d find in an ocean, fried to a golden crisp, including fried seahorses, fried jellyfish, and fried empty beer cans. For the rest of the week, they have a seasonal favorite available, the super spicy fried syringe and condom combo fresh from Revere Beach. Caliente!

CLICK ON THE C-HORSE TO VISIT MY NEW STORE TO BUY AN EAGLE VS. SQUIRREL SHIRT

Bear witness to the almighty 2-headed snake.

When 2-headed snakes smell prey on the other’s head, it will try to attack and swallow the other head. And when attacking prey, it can get very confused as to which head will attack first. This is also a common problem in Canadian Porn.

If anyone was wondering how many times today I heard the phrase “Don’t touch me, I have shingles”, I’ll give you a hint, it lies right smack between 0 and 2. That’s right, one time. Today I heard exactly one person proclaim their shingles.

I swatted him away and ended up getting bit on the nose by his parrot. I couldn’t hear too well in the bar but I think I heard the parrot call me a cracker. That hurt more than the bite. At least the parrot was kind enough to lick away my salty tears. That actually tickled a little, truth be told. It felt a little like cat-licks, but not exactly.

The nasty little bugger was nesting on the south side of my plate. I was initially oblivious to its existence, but the look of fear on Paul’s face let me know that something was amiss. Something that could scare a grown man. Something evil. He slowly pointed to the mozzarella stick and I cautiously…perhaps stupidly, squeezed it between my trembling fingers and picked it up. It had a big red eye on its tip and was eerily reminiscent of the creatures from both Tremors and Dune, but scarier, like Tom Arnold in Big Bully. I was frightened, but that didn’t stop me from holding it high to show all the other patrons around the restaurant in an effort to spread the fear. While doing so, I noticed a spooky lady in the corner staring at me with glassy, deathlike eyes. She was clearly the evil little spawn of Steve Perry and Liza Minnelli. I scowled and pointed the fried space mutant in her direction and she didn’t flinch even a little bit. She wasn’t scared at all. My new pet growled softly as I slowly turned away from her and waited until our waitress returned so that I could get a to-go container to house my creepy little buddy. When she returned I put the infected digit into the Styrofoam house and closed it tight. I poked a couple of holes so it could breathe, although I’m not certain that it doesn’t live on fear, or human blood, or even Sea Monkeys. Paul found a pen and wrote Dangerous Sea Creature Inside on the container and drew a dangerous sea creature as a warning to all who may want to peer inside. When the waitress came back again, I asked her if she wanted to see what was inside of the container. She wasn’t amused and just said no before rudely walking away from me and my evil Mozzarella stick of doom.

There are only 2 things creepier than clowns. The first is clowns without their makeup on, and the second is my last roommate’s spooky homemade doll.

My last roommate’s doll on the other hand, is far creepier than any clown could ever hope to be. John Wayne Gacy would be scared of this doll. Chucky would pee in his Osh-Kosh-B’Goshes at the mere mention of this doll’s existence. If my parents ever gave me a doll like this I would cry myself to sleep every night. But since they didn’t, I was forced to find other reasons to cry myself to sleep. Just try to sleep after gazing into its eyes, my pretty little blog readers. Just try.