The cashier at Stop and Shop today told the lady in front of me that her charge was $41.06. She handed him the cash and mentioned that it was exact change. He stopped, money in hand, and confirmed with her that it was, in fact, exact change. She didn’t hear him, so he repeated himself, not wanting to complete the transaction before he had his answer.

I was certainly eager to get out of there after being asked twice by some lady if I worked there. I guess my initial “no” wasn’t emphatic enough, so the second time I said “NO!” and threw the 20 pound bag of cat litter I was holding into her ankles, knocking her right into her basket. I’m not sure that was the appropriate course of action. I’m sure many people will say that instead of throwing cat litter into her ankles and knocking her into the basket, I should have just kicked her in the nuts. I know, that was my first thought but stupid me has to always do things the difficult way. Maybe next time I’ll compromise and throw the cat litter into her nuts. But in my defense, she fell into a bag of almonds, so I ended up kicking her into nuts.

Today was a pretty typical day, other than while I was out of town and a pair of Pakistani fellers approached me asking if I knew who owned the goats in a nearby yard. I replied that no, in fact I did not know who was the owner of said goats. They told me that they wanted to buy a goat. Not wanting to leave anything out, they concluded by revealing to me that they wanted to eat the goat. They looked really anxious and hungry as if they weren’t going to be able to withstand a search for the owner while they could be enjoying a Mai Tai and a Sweet and Sour Goat combo with boneless spare ribs and pork fried rice.

Today I had the blessed fortune to be in the presence of a drunk painter who, in a remarkably unsuccessful attempt at a public display of intelligence, looked through a window into the rain and proudly exclaimed to everyone

“It’s really pretificating out there”

Indeed

Pretificate on this, punks