About 14 seconds after entering the store I got a real bad case of the vertigo, and my stomach starting hurting like after you eat Mouse and Hamster Poison. And I’m not talking about good, pure Mouse and Hamster Poison. I’m talking about Mouse and Hamster Poison that you’d get at Wal-Mart, mixed and diluted with oatmeal, cough syrup, gunpowder, and Tang, which creates a gumbo-like constancy requiring you to serve the Mouse and Hamster Poison in proper soup bowls.

I felt like I was being eaten alive from the inside out by a rabid Wolverine while having to watch a live web-cam with sound transmitting from the lunchroom of a suburban police department, with my eyeball propped open forcing me to watch them eat their roast beef on white bread sandwiches while they talked about a broad assortment of topics, ranging from baseball and football, to pulling over hot chicks and making them show their boobs to get out of a ticket.

It may be for putting out fires started by an Albino Arsonist. They could just blend in with the glare from the fire. It’s possible, but not as probable that the occupants of the house on fire are all or partially albino. Maybe it’s a Ku Klux Klan run fire department that specializes in out of control burning cross fires. It also could be for wedding fires and/or firefighters who are getting married.

Why not fire engines in many different message-laced colors.

Pink fire engines for fashion fires or for when someone has been declared “flaming”.

Green fire engines for people who’ve donated large sums of money to the firefighters private fund, which is used to pay for monthly Jaeger/Coke/Stripper parties. Police invited too.

Yellow fire engines would signify a fire at a Chinese Resaurant, or a Laundry Mat.

Forest fires would be fought using Brown engines.

Purple engines driving by means there’s a Crack House a-blazin. If you frequented this particular Crack House, you might want to go ahead and find an alternate locale to satisfy your voracious Crack Smoking needs. No need to apologize, just turn off the stolen monitor and go to work investigating new Crack Houses if I’m talking about you. Purple and Crack Houses don’t really share any special significance, but Crack House fires deserve their own color, and there aren’t many colors left.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) — Swedish authorities say parents can now name their newborns “Budweiser” or “Metallica” if they so wish.

I guess it makes sense, being that both would be instrumental in the making of the tiny little future serial killer/church arsonist.

For decades, Swedish tax authorities had banned parents from naming their children after fast food chains, rock bands or their favorite brand of beer.

Those laws were created after the country’s embarrassment in the 1976 Olympics after the Swede’s silver medal volleyball duo of Schlitz Koontz and AC/DC Baarg showed up to the finals absolutely trashed and they both were wearing overalls and spitting chew all over the sandy court.

But tax authority spokesman Lars Tegenfeldt says the guidelines have been relaxed. He says “there is nothing negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald’s today. In the 1970s, maybe it was.”

There wasn’t much of a stigma with Coke during the 70s, but people apparently weren’t as open to soft drinks and clowns.

Still, authorities are drawing the line at giving children swear words for names. And forget about naming your child God, Allah or Devil.

This experience put me smack dab in the middle of one the most long-standing and heated debates today regarding whether or not people with mental and certain other disabilities should be allowed at the movies. I can understand both sides of the argument.

Upon entering the movie I was startled to find that I missed the first 30 seconds of the movie. Those who argue against them being allowed at the movies would have a valid argument that if they weren’t there, I would have easily made the beginning of the movie. They would also argue that there are already movies made for blind people. It’s called the radio.

My beliefs on this subject lean towards allowing them to go the movies, but during certain time blocks, like say…on Tuesday from noon to 4. That seems like a win-win for everybody involved, and being able to solve the problem without being unfair to anyone makes me feel good on the inside, and I like that feeling.

During that time frame you could have 3 parking spaces per vehicle, which would allow for efficient parking of quite a few little yellow buses. Complimentary pudding wouldn’t be the worst idea either.

I think it makes sense to warn people when there may be special people at the movies. Maybe a scrolling bar across the TV screen like when there’s a tornado warning. Possibly the people who run the Amber Alert System will selflessly share their technology and we can kill two disabled birds with one stone.

I was eating a Jalapeno Popper that I had just taken out of the oven. I didn’t let them cool down, thus they were still scalding hot. I eagerly took a bite into one of them, causing it to burst with the cheese-lava spattering onto my chin. I yelped in pain as my chin started sizzling. You could smell the sweet combination of cream cheese, Jalapeno, and flesh. There was a red burn mark on my chin for a couple of weeks.

While riding my bike up a hill, I was distracted daydreaming about something, more than likely involving juggling monkeys. Obviously not paying attention at all, I rode my bike right into a car. A parked car. A parked car with people inside of it. A parked car facing my direction with the people in it looking right at me and seeing the whole thing. Seeing me end up upside down on my bike. Usually I can play things off pretty well, but there really wasn’t much I could say in that particular situation. I did the only thing I could think of, which was to get up, not say anything pretending like nothing just happened and ride off.

When I was a tiny little Jew, I was warming myself after coming home from skiing. Getting a tad bit too close to the fireplace, I ended up getting a nice chunky grill mark burnt right onto my little behind.

When I was delivering a pizza, I knocked over a stop sign while being distracted by a bikini girl. In my defense, the stop sign was in the middle of the road, not on the side of it, so I never actually left the road. But, on the other hand, it’s not like the sign was invisible…

With bills out of control, I got an advance from work to try and catch up a little bit. I went straight to the horse track and lost all the money. On the way home I totaled my car.

As a teenager I used to get bloody noses really easily. When I was in 6th grade, we were about to take a test that I really wanted to avoid. I punched myself in the nose and told the teacher that I was about to get a bloody nose and that I should go to the nurse. She didn’t believe me so I bled on the floor. She then sent me to the nurse. Go me!