I seriously hope that they were responding to a question such as “do you like whip cream on your latte?”, “Do you understand the rights I’ve just read to you?”, or “Do you have crabs in your beard?”

Cyndi and Joseph exchanged wedding vows Wednesday at the North Kingstown shop where they had met.

I could meet my future wife on the bus, but that doesn’t mean that I would demand that my wedding guests neither shower nor brush their teeth for a week before the big day on #168 Ruggles Station Outbound. Nor would I demand that they invade my privacy, talk on their Bluetooth headset, and sneeze on me during the ceremony performed by a Ralph Kramden lookalike with a thick Boston accent.

Marjorie, the baker, made the food. Faraq, the shop’s owner, greeted customers with a simple question: “Coffee or the wedding?” A former probate judge conducted the ceremony. The shop’s regulars served as the witnesses.

I’ve been to many coffee shops and the regulars usually consist of a couple of smelly homeless people and an employee’s truant boyfriend. As far as I can tell, the only purpose of the boyfriend is to ensure that my order takes as long as humanly possible and gets done so mindnumbingly incorrect that figuring it all out would require one of the equations written on the blackboards from Good Will Hunting.

“I had the privilege of knowing Joe and Cyndi before they met,” Mohamed said. “I watched as they fell in love.”

I once watched a Chinese guy walk into the subway with a string of snot hanging from his nose and to this day it still gives me nightmares.

Cyndi has been coming to the shop for years. Joseph, 58, who works at Kingstown Mobile Home Park, started coming when his niece worked behind the counter.

He must have been so proud, seeing his niece work her way out of the trailer park. With his new hookup he must have felt like a king being able to drink iced coffee like the uppity city folk.

“I saw this good-looking guy standing up there,” Cyndi said. “He was a country-looking guy, the type I look for, the Grizzly Adams type.”

Hacksaw Jim Duggan?

Does she make him dress like Paul Bunyan while she rides him like Babe the Blue Ox?

But they didn’t really fall in love until they helped Mohamed with an errand a few weeks ago. Two days later, Smith asked her to marry him. They picked out rings last week.

He got a glazed ring and her’s was a limited edition gingerbread ring.

They thought about having the ceremony on the beach, but decided it was too cold. The doughnut shop is a casual place where most of their friends hang out anyway, so it was a perfect fit.

Much like the condoms their parents wore were “perfect fits”.

“I don’t even own a dress,” LaRose said.

Yeah, it’s not like that’s something that people typically go out and buy when they get married. And are you telling me that Wal-Mart doesn’t sell dresses? They probably have one that comes with a diaper bag.

“You couldn’t get me in a tie,” Smith said.

Cuffs are another story altogether.

The couple planned to spend a Thanksgiving weekend honeymoon at a Connecticut casino.

For the love of god…please, I live in Connecticut. There has to be some way for you to lose your beer and rent money in Rhode Island.

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How do you manage to get through the day? Do you have some secret bag of tricks that you use to complete basic tasks (things!)? Is there a song that you sing when you tie your shoelaces each morning? What goes through your mind when you realize (find out!) that you don’t understand the words coming out of people’s mouths and the sentences those words create? Do you require (need!) less sleep without all those brain cells needing rest? Are your parents stupid like you suggesting a genetic (your parents!) link? If not, are you mad at them, or do you suspect that you’re adopted (not theirs!)?

Oh, and most importantly…why did you have me meet with your leader today? Did I do something to offend (make you mad!) your kind? If so, I apologize (I’m sorry!).

I’m just curious. You stupid people seem to be all over the place as I can’t seem to go anywhere without bumping into some of you. I just want a little glimpse (look inside!) into your world. So if you could just grab the person who turned on the computer (shiny thing in front of you!) that you’re reading this on and have them type your response (answer!), I would be greatly appreciative (happy!).

Thanks in advance, stupid people

“We truly are the American dream”

I’m not certain that it’s even the West Virginian dream. But for arguments sake I’ve comprised a list of all the people and places that would consider having their whole family work at Wal-Mart to be the American Dream.

Here is the complete list:

Homeless people who live, eat, and bathe in the sewer

Vegans who are forced at gunpoint to eat Angus Burgers and Ostrich Nuggets in a pitbull-fighting cellar littered with bloody carcasses, with a solitary baby lamb wandering around with a small limp, sadly looking for her mother

People with webbed feet

Louie Anderson

Bubbles the Monkey

Families that have 3 or more retarded members

One of the most famous 2-headed corn snakes ever is named Thelma and Louise. The little 2-headed lesbian snake whore went out and had 15 babies. The supreme serpent court is still deciding whether to let them raise the babies.

The snake to the left is a Spanish snake. Her name is Goya and Maria. Her favorite dish is Baby Mouse Chimichangas.